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By: Jason Bent, MMATorch Columnist A mysterious fax came through this morning and it was one which should not have ever been received here at Torch Towers. At first glance it appeared as if it were one of those faxes suggesting how you can get three vacations for the total sum of ninety-nine dollars, or one of those "healthcare for a dollar" sales pitches.
Upon further review it was clear that this was from the UFC, and the first thought which went through my mind was that it was just a notification that UFC 100 will be taking place this Saturday and how you should be sure to order it. I shrugged and wondered why the need to advertise by way of fax machine and I wondered just who on this planet was still unaware of UFC 100 on July 11th.
I mean, Jesus Christ could come back on Saturday and, rather than ask him what he is here for, it is a certainty that the UFC would ask him who he predicts will win the main event before Kevin James agrees with him and Chuck Zito holds a fist up and hams for the camera.
I have been taking the "Activia Challenge" and well, it was beating my ass like a drum. Literally. I'm talking "chewed orange," people. Well, needless to say, I was in need of some reading material and the only thing I could grab quickly was this peculiar fax.
This was from the UFC and it was an official listing for the "UFC 100 Fan Expo" events which will be taking place this weekend. Something about Randy Couture not attending the fights with a quick notice that he would be signing autographs was placed between comments regarding the Wanderlei Silva training seminar and a blurb about the "Octagon Girls" being there. Seemed like pretty normal run of the mill fare, and since I was running out of paper in my stall, I pondered treating this one like "$kala" did Elite XC.
Until I saw that the second page was a listing of all of the activities and special guests which had been proposed originally but ultimately turned down. Below, I have compiled a short list of some of the special attractions which did not make the cut for the "UFC 100 Fan Expo," and I have to say that I am a little letdown upon finding out just what might have been.
"Ultimate Chicken"
UFC fighters currently under contract along with several MMA fighters not under contract with the UFC will be seated at a table with their respective agents, and on the opposite side of the table shall be Frank Fertitta, Jr., Dana White, a Japanese man curiously missing a pinky and someone who will be introduced only as a "friend of ours." In the middle of the table shall be a stack of contracts from Electronic Arts that range in value from 5K to 50K for the opportunity to be featured in the upcoming EA Sports 'EA MMA 2010.'
The representatives will ply the fighters with various deals and show them stacks of cash which could be of use to them while Dana White stares them down and dares them not to sign while telling them that they can no longer be sponsored by companies who do not pay the 100K vig, I mean "fee."
The fighters will be stuck at the table and not allowed food or water as they consider the deal with EA Sports. Those who remain at the table for longer than three minutes will enter the "waterboarding round" and hopefully inspire the fighters to reconsider just how valuable it is to be a UFC fighter. Not in terms of cash but just the opportunity!
"GSP Capture The Flag"
Fans will be sure to love this entertaining game which will feature a prize of a "GSP Rally Bandana" affixed to the top of a ten foot pole. All they will have to do in order to grab this prize, is to successfully climb the pole.
Which has been greased down (I mean massaged) by Phil Nurse.
Enjoy the fun, if you wish to sign up for the event or just stand idly by and heckle those who try and get a grip on things and take home a "GSP Rally Bandana"!
Karo Parisyan's Traveling Medicine Show
No show, but tons of medicine. We aren't talking snake oil, either. You want it? Karo has got it!
Hydromorphone, Oxymorphone and Hydrocodone will be available along with samples of Armenian String Cheese which the UFC fighter has handmade as a means of supplementing his income while being suspended for nine months.
Step right up and take that pain right down while enjoying the old world flavor of hand braided string cheese.
The heat is on in Las Vegas, but you won't be feeling a thing after one stop at this booth!
The UFC Dating Game Hosted by Chuck Woolery
That's right. Television's beloved 'The Dating Game' will be making its return and Chuck Woolery will be at the helm as this show gets an MMA makeover for UFC 100.
This one is for the young ladies, and all of them will be answering questions in hopes of going home with UFC veteran Joe Son.
Joe Son might even bring a few friends along on the date which will include dinner at Panera Bread, pottery painting at 'Color Me Mine' and other assorted group activities. Joe Son will take these ladies to task all night long and there will be nothing random about it.
(note: Joe Son is still incarcerated and as such will be replaced by TUF 4 star Jeremy Jackson)
(further note: This one will be scrapped forever and not be included on the final proposition list. Jackson is incarcerated as well.)
Are You TUF Enough?
Former Elite XC heavyweight hopeful and current star of 'The Ultimate Fighter 10' Kimbo Slice will be inside of a shed and fans willing to step forward and put their bread on the line will be allowed to enter in hopes of being able to walk out after five minutes with the bearded backyarder.
Note: All fans must have two forms of ID and be willing to sign all necessary insurance waivers. No fighters are allowed to enter this competition, and those who are thinking about it should keep the "EA Sports MMA 2010" contract in mind. Firmly.
'Fear Factor with Joe Rogan'
'Fear Factor' will make a one time only return and do so in the parking lot of the Mandalay Bay as Joe Rogan returns to do the honors alongside Ryan Bader who will be serving up watermelon slices and autographing copies of 'The Ultimate Fighter: Team Nogueira vs. Team Mir' DVDs.
Fans will line up and eat several items which Tom Lawlor and Kyle Kingsbury have tastefully prepared in their own way, and chase it down with a little nectar courtesy of Dave Kaplan for the chance to win a UFC 100 poster autographed by Mike Goldberg which can be personalized for only five extra dollars.
'The MMA Singing Bee'
'The Singing Bee' was a karaoke program which originally aired on NBC and can now be found on CMT somewhere between episodes of 'My Big Redneck Wedding' and 'Gone Country 3'. Doing the honors will be the man who can tell you the capital of every country and also that he was not knocked out by Tom Lawlor.
That's right. Dave Kaplan.
"Diamond" Dave will scurry over to 'Fear Factor' and relieve himself before running over to Booth 144 to relieve Melissa Peterman of hosting duties as the beloved karaoke show gets twisted like the nipple of a Greg Jackson trained fighter.
This one is for charity and all contestants will be UFC fighters.
Join in on the fun as Anderson Silva, Antonio Rodrigo Nogueira, Dong Hyun Kim, Gabriel Gonzaga, Lyoto Machida and Terry Etim as they tackle 'The Hits of Motown' for a chance to win 50K for the charity of their choice.
It's all in fun and for a good cause and you just will not be able to help yourself.
Sugar pie, honey bunch.
'Smokey and The Bandit 4: The Dentist's Rampage'
Lucky UFC fans who have their business card drawn from the jar will win a free lunch at Applebee's and the chance to ride shotgun in a Go-Kart driven by Josh Neer as they take on the team of Quinton "Rampage" Jackson and another lucky fan as they battle it out in an obstacle course on a custom built slick track.
Jesse Taylor will be pouring shots, and if you don't know who he is, you will soon forget who you are as he forgoes breaking glass and commences to fill them for you and your UFC fighter as you pound shots before hopping into the Go-Karts, while also trying to outrun UFC Celebrity Super Fan Kevin James as he dons his 'Paul Blart' ensemble and chases you around the track on a segway.
Take a Shot From David "Tank" Abbott
UFC fans know the name "Tank" Abbott and few will ever forget the way John Matua convulsed after taking a shot from the pot-bellied "pit fighter" at UFC 6.
See if you can survive as you take a shot from "Tank" Abbott's...
Navel.
That's right! The fun loving UFC Bad Boy will be laying down and daring you to sample Xyience's new and exciting 'Xeverclear,' which is a pure grain alcohol infused with ginseng, I-taurine which features a hint of cran-grape flavor.
Belly up to the bar. Literally as "Tank" giggles like a schoolgirl and tells you to come get some from his belly button.
Your face will be buried in body hair, and your tongue will be tickled by the pleasant taste of "Xeverclear," and UFC photographer Kevin Lynch will be on hand to snap the picture as you do "the Matua" after getting his with the pleasant zing of the 190 proof energy drink coupled with the tang of Abbott's pungent sweat.
Guests will leave with an autographed DVD copy of 'UFC 45' along with an Octagon necklace and a heavy feeling of inebriation and shame.
Project Runway: The TapouT Edition
Booth number 337 will feature the popular Lifetime television program 'Project Runway' hosted by Tim Gunn, Heidi Klum and UFC veteran Shonie Carter and both Skyskrape and Punkass of 'TapouT' will be on hand to judge the finished products as one of the designs will be picked up by the company and featured as a part of their Fall line.
This one is for the kids as anyone from age 4-12 can enter and no one will be turned away. The children will be blindfolded and turned around in circles before being handed a box of Prang crayons and led to a large piece of posterboard.
They will be instructed to try their hand at drawing whatever their heart desires and the end result should be something a little different than the usual, and is likely to be better than what the company currently cranks out.
Runners-up will have their designs sent to Tom Atencio and may possibly be used by Affliction which may find that half-assed unicorns as drawn by 9 yr. old girls are better looking than angry skulls as sketched by graduates of Art Instruction Schools.
Tim Sylvia's Toughman Competition & Hot Dog Eating Contest
This one is co-sponsored by Nathan's Famous and the folks at Realtree Camo and features the beloved "Big Timmeh" as he downs dogs and dons the gloves to take on an all-star lineup of former and current professional boxers who packed a punch along with a big appetite.
On hand will be James "Buster" Douglas, Riddick "Big Daddy" Bowe, James "Lights Out" Toney and Eric "Butterbean" Esch.
Also in attendance will be UFC 3 veteran Emmanuel Yarborough, who will sign autographs and give willing fans a "Boob Hat" as he rests his mammoth man mammaries atop their heads for candid photographs.
The former PRIDE and UFC vet who became known for his starring role on HBO's hot series 'Oz' was not much of a fighter but is one hell of a cut-up who will call the action and wait in the wings to take on Sylvia should he survive boxing's hungriest legends
Glamour Shots with Yoshirio Akiyama
The Sexyama War Wagon will make one pit stop in the parking lot as Lifetouch has been commissioned to snap shots of fans who do their best to strike a pose "Akiyama-style" and meet the fighter who will be making his debut on Saturday night.
Try your hand at mimicking Akiyama's "Bru Steerrl" poses and meet the man who will be making his big UFC debut against Alan Belcher on Saturday night.
For an extra ten dollars, you can grease Akiyama up "K-1 Hero's-style" and have your picture taken with the shirtless fighter.
Bible Reading with Matt Hughes
That is exactly what you get as the UFC welterweight legend reads the Bible aloud.
The entire Bible.
This one may take a while so it is possible that this one will not fit the time constraints of the event.
Get Fisted By Brock Lesnar
This one is for the adventurous sort as you compare your hand size to plaster casts of Lesnar's lunchboxes and see what it's going to feel like for Frank Mir on Saturday night.
Well, it's easy to see why these were rejected or canceled for various insurance reasons, but I am sorry to report that Fred Durst and Limp Bizkit will still be performing Friday in Las Vegas but not as an official part of the UFC 100 festivities. All of this being said, the UFC has put together one hell of a weekend for fight fans, and not only have they crafted a near perfect card but have pulled out all of the stops in terms of this "UFC 100 Fan Expo."
There is nothing the UFC won't do for the fans it would seem when you take a look at all of the official proceedings for the "UFC 100 Fan Expo," and for those in town it is sure to be a real treat. I was going to throw this fax away but thought I would share it with you before passing these on to Tom Atencio in case he is pondering adding a Fan Expo to the "Affliction:Trilogy" event.
Hey, Limp Bizkit might pull an Ernie Banks and play two!
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Jamie Penick, editor-in-chief
(mmatorcheditor@gmail.com)
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Frank Hyden - Rich Hansen
Chris Park - Matt Pelkey
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