Apr 10, 2009 - 8:45:14 AM By: Jason Bent, MMATorch Columnist
After being introduced to a well prepared and sufficiently motivated group of prospects from the United Kingdom in last week’s episode, it was time to meet their American counterparts and see if they wanted it as badly, or could at least bother to show up in shape to fight. One thing that is not a letdown is the fact that Dan Henderson is the coach for the United States team; and while this opportunity was never his dream job, it does appear that he is more than ready to make the most of it. Henderson said that his goal for the season is to, "beat the hell out of the U.K. guys," and while I believe he could, it was time now to take a look at his charges to see if any look like they could make good on Hendo’s promise.
Dana White has all 16 of the hopeful American fighters line up and he is ready to launch into his usual speech, which at this point seems about as original as a time-share presentation. I understand his need to pull off a mix of R. Lee Ermey from ‘Full Metal Jacket’ and former mob boss Whitey Bulger, as this keeps in line with his persona, but I would really love it if he would emulate Debbie Allen from ‘Fame’ when greeting the hopeful fighters.
I can just see Dana now, sporting some legwarmers and saying to the fighters, "You’ve got big dreams? You want UFC fame? Well, fame costs and right here is where you start paying……………in sweat!" as he welcomes them to the training center. Then we could get an excellent montage of training footage as White lords over a couple of fighters who are riding exercise bikes in the parking lot while trying to cut that extra pound or two. It would at least be different than his usual profanity laced rant, which is fast losing its meaning and is starting to come off like a catchphrase of sorts.
One thing that looks to be a trend is the fainting fighter, as welterweight prospect Jason Pierce passed out and dropped like a ton of bricks while the fighters were lined up. "We’ve got a man down," White says as everyone attends to Pierce, who seems to think he just fell asleep or something as if it were normal for him. White doesn’t blame it on nerves or the heat, but rather on the process of cutting weight, and he quickly wants to know what Pierce was weighing in at as this was a sign that he has drastically had to lose pounds and was not in the proper shape for this opportunity.
We get the standard line of "Who the f**k wants it?" from White which I guess is meant to either get them to call back, "I do, Sir" or suddenly reduce them all to savages who begin tearing the man beside them from limb to limb as their way of showing the boss that they wish to impress him. "Who the f**k wants it?" is what a hateful wife calls out as she slops a trough of Hamburger Helper onto the table for her surly husband and the three kids that neither of them ever wanted. It isn’t something you need to ask fighters who would be willing to saw off one of their feet if Dana "Jigsaw" White beckoned them to.
One fighter who did want it, but will be unable to hang around and show just how much, is John David Shackelford. This lightweight fighter was sporting a herpes lesion on his forehead and was quickly sent home for it. I feel bad for the guy having to leave the competition without having even fought once, but you just can’t let a guy with visible lesions roll with, or fight, someone. These things are actually pretty common with wrestlers, and especially so with dirty mats, but for most of the viewers it will be as if Shackelford were Tom Hanks from ‘Philadelphia’ or something as the word "herpes" gives a lot of people the heebie-jeebies. Others just take their Valtrex and continue on with their hobbies of rock climbing and parasailing.
Welterweight Christian Fulgium is the other fighter who had to go before getting a chance to fight. He didn’t have any visible lesions, but he was overweight and unable to shed the final two pounds. Fulgium did try, and even collapsed while on the treadmill which caused Coach Henderson to try and hand him a spittoon and laugh at his efforts. I have to say this did kind of remind me of the clip of the two cats on a treadmill from the website "Funny or Die" as Fulgium was shot off of the thing after he fell down. He was unable to shed the pounds, and we now were down two fighters before any fights took place or anyone had the chance to sample the open bar inside of the house.
"Season nine, motherf***ers. Season nine!" exclaims Dana White before adding that this is quite possibly the "worst start to a season to start the show." The first round of fights would now be six fights instead of eight, and at this point it was Dana’s belief that the U.K. guys just might come in and, to use his words again, "kick the sh*t out of these guys." I’d agree with Dana, but right now we have got to find out if anyone will actually make weight and not be sporting any lesions before we worry about any of the fights.
Our first fight took place in the welterweight division and was between training partners Mark Miller and Kevin Knabjian. These guys are not only teammates and training partners, but also friends, and this made for a little bit of a back-story and supplied some drama to an otherwise insignificant bout. The fight itself was not too bad at all, and was action packed with both showing that they indeed did want this opportunity more than anything else. Mark Miller wanted it just a little bit more, and scored a TKO victory in the second round over his friend, who was having none of the post-fight pep talk from the winner. Knabjian would go on to punch a hole in the dressing room wall after losing, and if anything he should wish that he would have thrown one punch in this fight which was half as hard as that one.
The second fight took place in the lightweight division, and was between Richie Whitson and Paul Bird. Dana White immediately thought of snowboarder Shaun White when he saw Whitson, but I thought of Carrot-Top. Or at the very least a cross between the two, as Whitson has some arms on him for a lightweight. Bird was the usual generic tough-guy and spouted off that he was "gonna kill this motherf***er" before going in there and doing anything but. Richie Whitson took this one by way of submission in the 1st round by slapping an excellent rear naked choke on Bird. I must say that Paul Bird showed heart, and that Whitson is still a very raw fighter, but it was clear that the better man won this one.
Our third fight again took place in the lightweight division, but this one had a very compelling story to go along with it to say the least. Santino Defranco actually made the cast of season two, but a brain aneurysm cost him his chance; and now, with a clean bill of health, he is trying to make it once again. If anyone wants to be a fighter it is this guy. A brain aneurysm? Wow. There was absolutely no way that his opponent, Waylon Lowe could be as tough as a brain aneurysm. First of all, according to Dana White it is Lowe who "has a tattoo around his belly button like the chicks do," which definitely branded him as a little soft in the eyes of everyone who didn’t have to share the Octagon with this man. Lowe’s choice of body art might seem soft, but the beating he doled out for the first round was anything but.
Santino Defranco spent the entire first round curled up in the fetal position with hands over his head while Lowe threw punches and elbows. Lowe’s blows were not getting through, or seeming to do a ton of damage, but 99.99% of all UFC fights like this would have been waved off and it just seems odd to me that the referee let this one continue. Defranco was unable to even get to his feet once the round ended and everyone seemed to think that the fight was over, and that there was no way he would venture out for another round. Again, I am shocked the referee didn’t wave this off but Defranco returned to his corner and then came out for a 2nd round which shocked everyone.
Holy sh*t.
Santino Defranco forces Waylon Lowe to submit to the rear naked choke in round number two and it is all over. This was rope-a-dope at its finest, as Defranco looked pretty coherent and cognizant while fending off Lowe’s early attack and slapping on a very tight choke which finished him off. Santino Defranco is moving on the house, and while I still am puzzled that the bout was allowed to continue, I am glad that this man has finally made it to the cast of ‘TUF.’ He has more than earned it.
Jason Pierce, the welterweight who fainted at the beginning of the show, would be next up to fight, and his opponent was Steve Berger. This bout looked atrocious, and we were only shown the highlights thankfully, but this was clearly a fight without any such thing at all. It would be better to just say we were shown clips of the fight which was won by Jason Pierce by way of decision. Pierce entertained us more by fainting than fighting, but at any rate he has made it to the house and will get the chance to show us he is capable of so much more in the weeks to come.
Fight five was a lightweight tilt between Cameron Dollar and Tom Hayden and this one was another fight of which we were only treated to the highlights or lack thereof. From what we are shown and is described to us, it was Tom Hayden all over Cameron Dollar early on and just beating him up. Cameron Dollar then pulls off a Santino Defranco moment of his own as he slips out of Hayden’s grasp, takes his back and gets the win by rear naked choke. Dollar makes change out of Hayden, and off he goes with his Mohawk haircut to the house.
Our final fight of the evening was a wonderful showcase of a fighter, who has just got to be one of the early favorites to win the whole thing, in Damarques Johnson of the welterweights. Johnson’s opponent was Ray Elbe who came to us by way of Thailand, and quickly let us know that he "didn’t fly from Thailand for a $4.99 steak and egg buffet," before getting his ass handed to him by Johnson. Elbe should hope someone gave him a free buffet pass for his troubles, or else he is going to be awfully hungry on that long plane ride home.
Before the fight it was Johnson who gave us probably the best quote of the night as he declared that it was "time to do the man dance," which is something that just needs to stick. Bruce Buffer needs to find a way to incorporate this into his pre-fight announcements; and I can tell you that it would be a hell of a lot better than his drawn out yell of "It’s tiiiiiiime," which just reeks of "I don’t have anything near as cool as my brother’s catchphrase so this is all you are going to get from me."
Damarques Johnson did the "man dance" all over Ray Elbe, and unloaded some of the most vicious elbows that I have ever seen on ‘The Ultimate Fighter.’ This was less "man dance" but more like "prison rape" as Elbe was covering up and offering to toss salad in exchange for a reprieve from the torrent of blows being rained down upon him. I know Elbe didn’t fly here for a buffet in particular, but it sure is a shame that he came all the way to just be beaten thoroughly on television. He could have just had this happen in Thailand and just posted it on YouTube and saved himself a lot of trouble, as he lost this one by way of 1st round TKO to Johnson.
Jason Dent and Kiel Reid were left without opponents due to Fulgium being overweight and Shackelford’s lesions, but they were not just going to waltz into the house without a fight; and we were introduced to their opponents to close the show. It will be Kiel Reid taking on Frank Lester and Jason Dent going up against Rob Browning to determine the final two members of Team U.S.A., and it is presumed that we will see these fights next week. Rob Browning of course is the brother of Junie; and while we can all bitch about nepotism and imagine that he is only getting this chance because of his brother’s antics, it should be noted that this kid is under a ton of pressure and we should give him a fair shake before branding him anything but a fighter. He is not responsible for his brother’s drunken tirades, and I would like to think that we all would prefer to be judged on our own merits and not be compared to our siblings for good or bad.
Although if Rob Browning does make it to the house, we will probably see fighters hit the ground each time he picks up a glass and takes a drink. If they allow him to even have a glass and don’t enforce some sort of Junie-rule and have everyone drink from the ubiquitous red Solo cups for their time in the house.
Well, the Americans look like Americans, and this means overweight and with herpes of course, but there are some fighters here; and I have to say that the talent looks much greater on this side than it does for the Brits. I know that we will see some talent from Bisping’s team, but a few of the guys on Henderson’s team just look to be that much better from what I have seen. We won’t know until we get there though, and next week should cinch things up and move us towards finding out just who will emerge as the next "Ultimate Fighter."
Browning alert for next week of course, and we will get the chance to see if Rob can escape from Junie’s shadow or if he proves to be cut from the same whiskey-soaked cloth. I figure the Brownings are like the "Stifler" family from the ‘American Pie’ franchise, but time will tell which one will be the star that was "Steve Stifler" of the box-office smash films, or which will be "Matt Stifler" from the direct-to-video sequels.
For now it appears that ‘The Ultimate Fighter’ is still going strong, and this season looks like it just might have what it takes to bring this franchise back to its roots. Before it was full of personalities fighting for camera time after not making MTV’s ‘The Real World,’ it was a show which showcased the very best in unsigned MMA talent and gave us one or two future stars. Season nine has in some ways started in a way that resembles the worst of the past few editions, but from what I can see it looks like we just might end up with a few kids who can really fight. ‘The Ultimate Fighter’ franchise looks safe for now; unless of course Junie has a few more brothers and an uncle who have all submitted a tape.
