FACEBOOK TWITTER RSS APP PODCAST Opinion & Analysis : Staff Columnists BENT COLUMN: TUF 8 Episode 7: Smell All Those Farts

Nov 1, 2008 - 11:46:28 PM
By: Jason Bent, MMATorch Columnist
Junie Browning was victorious over Roli Delgado in last week's lightweight battle and this week's episode began in the dressing room immediately following that fight. Coach Frank Mir let Junie know that this victory was not really something for anyone to brag about as he went three full rounds with Rolando and didn't exactly do what he was capable of doing.

You would have thought that Browning was a college kid feeling good about his sexual conquest from the night before and Mir was his buddy who was sober and actually remembered what the girl looked like. Sure, you got some last night but you may not want the whole world to know who it was with as this will suddenly change opinions should anyone have deemed you a lucky man to start with. Browning beat Delgado but from this point on it was made clear that this is not exactly a fight that anyone wants to have brought up in the future. Mir let Browning know that this kind of effort will not be acceptable in the future and that if he focuses properly that this show is his to win on sheer talent alone.

At this point, Junie made it known that he was going to celebrate by having a few drinks that evening in the house. Frank let him know that this would be okay as long as there were "no fiascos" to which Junie simply smiled and said ok. This looked like a scene from a bad 1980's teen film where the parents are going out of town for the weekend and leave instructions to "not party" for the teenager who shall be home alone. To his credit, he was on his best behavior as no excerpts were shown from his post fight cocktail party, but I am surprised Mir was so confident that Browning would conduct himself with such decorum.

Given all of Junie's alcohol fueled outbursts in the house, one might think that Mir would tell him not to drink at all. People change but I am sure if Robert Downey, Jr. told the producers of the 'Iron Man' sequel that he planned to blow off a little steam in Tijuana that they might scream and try to stop this one before he is arrested in a motel; and they wouldn't just tell him to not get into any trouble. On one hand I have to give Mir credit for treating his fighters like men but I am shocked that he did not try to ban Junie from hitting the bottle for the duration of the competition.

From there we went straight into the training footage of the week and were treated to what looked like Team Nogueira practicing a chorus line before taking the time to play leap frog with one another. From leap frog to what looked like king of the mountain we went, and I was just waiting on someone to call out for a naked dog pile before long. Team Nogueira reminds me of the Carver High basketball team from the 1970's TV series 'The White Shadow,' as these guys get along so well and I am just waiting for them to begin singing doo wop songs from the showers. Thankfully we will never know if Ryan Bader is a baritone and we leave the fun bunch behind for a moment so that we can check out the snorkel wearing fighters from Team Mir as they are put through the paces.

Team Mir's training is intense. The fighters were all working on their cardiovascular training and doing so while wearing snorkels so that their oxygen was restricted. Frank Mir let us know that he "won the heavyweight championship and didn't care about conditioning" but now realizes that this is a must and that wearing the snorkels changes things up a bit while pushing the fighters to their limits. This makes sense as no one enjoys running around the same track or pedaling the same bike to nowhere in the gym; and these are reasons why so many athletes neglect this portion of training. Cardiovascular training is not fun but it is necessary and Mir really put his team to the test with the methods exhibited.

By no means do I imagine that having your oxygen restricted could be fun, but one thing is for certain and that is that these fighters should be in better shape in the future than Browning was for his fight with Delgado. After taking the snorkels off, the fighters would then immerse themselves into large tubs of ice for a period of time. Frank believes that the ice rejuvenates the fighters and this thinking falls right in line with believing that jabbing bamboo shoots under prisoners' finger nails allows them to open up more in conversation.

The fighters definitely looked alive after being plunged into the ice and if anything this training session was extreme. Frank Mir really has come a long way and has really matured as a fighter. The Frank Mir of old would not have been able to coach a group of fighters, and he sure as hell couldn't have told anyone how to condition themselves, but the 2008 model of Mir is quite the workhorse and a friendly taskmaster of sorts. Frank still exudes that frat boy personality and it was hard for me to watch fighters wearing snorkels when their coach seems more like the guy to pour beers into funnels than to push them to train harder.

After practice, Frank Mir praised Vinny Magalhaes for his excellence on the ground and even states that he is learning a lot in the time spent working with Vinny. Frank then told Vinny that if he can feel comfortable on the ground with him that battling Nogueira in December should not be too difficult to deal with. Frank Mir would also state that he believed Vinny Magalhaes to be more proficient in Brazilian Jiu-Jitsu than Nogueira, and Vinny made a crucial mistake by speaking up and agreeing with him. Vinny even went further and termed Nogueira's skills on the ground to be "basic". When it comes to BJJ, it may be an absolute fact that Vinny is head and shoulders above everyone on this show, from fighters to coaches, but he is a novice in the world of MMA and did himself no favors by opening his mouth about this. This subject would again come up later but first it was time to get to Nogueira's birthday celebration back at the house.

It was Antonio Rodrigo Nogueira's birthday and Team Nogueira was taking part in a bake off of sorts as they prepared him a cake. "Big Nog" may be the interim UFC Heavyweight Champion but he is the undisputed king of the birthday cakes as he received not one but two cakes from his team. Jules Bruchez prepared a decadent chocolate cake and covered this creation with what looked like a fantastic cookie dough icing. In the other corner of kitchen stadium, it would be 'Iron Chef' Phillipe Nover decorating his un-described offering with blue frosting. The only thing missing from this scene was Nogueira wearing a "Kiss the Cook" apron and licking the beaters while the team danced and sang "Happy Birthday" to him in the kitchen. Just as absurd as this notion is came the peculiar declaration made by Jules Bruchez in regards to the baking. Bruchez said that "to bake a cake for Nogueira is like a dream come true;" which made me wonder if I was hallucinating, watching the wrong show or perhaps have just set the wrong goals in life for myself.

A dream come true?

Winning a championship in a sport would be a dream come true for an athlete. Winning one million dollars in the McDonald's Monopoly game would be a dream come true for most of us. Waking up with the face of Brad Pitt, the body of a young Arnold Schwarzenegger, access to Bill Gates' bank account and the cure for cancer stuck in your head would be dreams come true. Some of the things that would be a dream come true for us are things that cannot be printed nor spoken of in mixed company.

Getting to bake a cake for Nogueira? I am not sure where this ranks on anyone else's list of dreams.

Not on my short list to say the least but this was a dream come true for Jules and quite possibly could be a glimpse at what life has in store for the young man. I do not see Jules Bruchez fighting in the UFC at all. In all honesty, he had better hope that his cake tastes like a dream come true because his fight was a nightmare to watch. No word on whether or not Phillipe's cake was any good or if it was eaten at all but it appears that culinary school could be the next place that Jules Bruchez may wind up.

If that one works out for him then perhaps the Fertitta brothers can find a spot for him in the kitchen of one of their casinos and have him take care of the desserts on the buffet. Nogueira said it was delicious and that alone is enough to tell me that this man can cook at a higher level than he can fight. Big Nog would not have to ask me twice to have a piece of birthday cake; that much is for certain.

In actuality it would appear that Antonio Rodrigo Nogueira is more like "Mrs. Garrett" from 'Facts of Life' to these fighters than he is a glowering, scary coach who is the interim UFC Heavyweight Champion. Nogueira visits the house often to dine with his fighters and hang out and by doing so has really made his team more of a family than any coach on any previous season has. When Team Nogueira is together it seems like an episode of a remake of 'My Three Sons' with "Uncle Charley" being played by Coach "Stankie" than it does an episode of 'The Ultimate Fighter' on Spike. Of course, whenever people are happy you can be certain to find a group of people hating them for their joy.

Some of the members of Team Mir become so enraged by this peaceful environment that it makes me wonder if maybe one of them defecated on Phillipe Nover's cake and this was the real reason why Jules Bruchez baked one himself. Shane Nelson of Team Mir became so incensed at the love-in that he began to wonder aloud about all of the other things that Team Nogueira may enjoy doing for each other aside from breaking bread. Shane seemed to think that just because a group of men likes to play leapfrog, bake cakes and share laughs with the occasional pat on the ass for a job well done that this means they are also pleasing each other orally. I for one don't believe this to be true, but I can tell you that if these men were to do such a thing that Nelson is correct in assuming that they would reciprocate. I'm just saying that if it's your birthday that they would make sure you got a cake and I don't see these men leaving anyone out at any time. Nogueira has really instilled some values in these men.

Nelson's teammate Vinny Magalhaes took things a few steps further and stated that Team Nogueira not only dines together but that they probably also shower as a group and even "wipe each other's ass" for good measure. Now, I know that Magalhaes has received some top flight Brazilian Jiu-Jitsu training in his life but I am led to wonder if he missed out on some love along the way.

The next fight was announced and it would be a light heavyweight battle pitting Jules "Ace of Cakes" Bruchez going up against Vinny Magalhaes. This fight was an easy selection for Team Mir to make as Jules is a fighter who looks to stand whenever possible and Vinny is a master on the ground. Mir anticipated that Vinny would destroy Jules and Team Nogueira was definitely worried about this one but ready to do the best they could to prepare Bruchez for this fight.

Vinny's training montage should have had "Rico Suave" played over it as that would have been much better on the ears than to hear the man's cheesy description of himself. Magalhaes let us know that he is a "basic guy" who likes to train, train, train and "have some fun with the girls". Now, it was the way he uttered those last words that made my skin crawl as he sounded like something out of a 'Borat' send-up rather than a guy letting us know that he enjoys spending time with women.

This came off like a bad singles ad on YouTube and all that was missing was Magalhaes dragging one finger across his abs as he talked about "fun with the girls." Vinny is a four-time Brazilian Jiu-Jitsu world champion, he has chiseled abs, loves the ladies and oh yeah, is better than Nogueira on the ground.

This would lead to the moment where Vinny Magalhaes would become an "enemy" of Antonio Rodrigo Nogueira as the coach was made aware of all of Magalhaes' boasts in short order by his team of fighters. Nogueira disclosed that he had planned on picking Vinny second but is actually pleased that he is not a member of his team. Antonio described Vinny as the kind of fighter who could do it all in the gym but that this would not necessarily translate to inside the cage. Nogueira followed this up by declaring that Magalhaes has "little balls." Looks like Vinny has firsthand knowledge of those Team Nogueira "group showers" that he intimated about earlier.

The confrontation between Nogueira and Magalhaes was something to behold as it was powerful, consisted largely of two men speaking in conversational tones and was entirely in Portuguese. This was like watching a foreign film but what I found amusing was the fact that Spike bleeped out the expletives in Portuguese. I don't know everything about the FCC rules anymore but I for the life of me can't say that many viewers at home are fluent in the language thanks to Rosetta Stone.

Nogueira was beyond angry with Magalhaes and let him know that the two are now "enemies". Not once did the big guy raise his voice or attempt to get into Vinny's face but he pretty much told him that he hates his guts in a tone usually reserved for the selling of a product. Nogueira was more disappointed than angry and that is what made this so much more intense and meaningful than any of the confrontations that we have seen between coaches and fighters on this series. When an authority figure is more disappointed in you than angry, it is far, far worse.

Bad report cards can cause a father to get angry at his son but finding out that his son now lives with an older man in a cottage in Vermont where the two spend their days selling hand sewn sweaters and their nights in each other's arms would make the father very disappointed. Magalhaes is firmly in the latter category and I feel he is in danger of bodily harm should he venture back into Brazil any time soon. I know the subtitles didn't suggest this but I tend to believe that Nogueira's friends in Brazil would not be so diplomatic with this brash and disrespectful young man.

We would then be treated to a Jules Bruchez training segment and are witness to the perpetual greatness that is "Stankie." Assistant coach Al "Stankie" Stankiewicz is a crusty old curmudgeon who is always quick with a quotable remark and he did not let us down this week. "Stankie" was working with Jules and quickly let him know that his stand up game is superior enough that he should be able to finish this one standing.

"Stankie's" exact words were, "You're so good on top that you don't have to get down and dirty and smell all those farts" which apparently references the fact that Magalhaes is not only a top level BJJ practitioner but also quite flatulent. A man who goes by "Stankie" spoke of smelling farts and this was by far the quote of the night for this week. I have no desire to find out about Vinny's odiferous emanations but it is true that Jules stinks on the ground and it would be in his best interest to keep this one on the feet.

For the next few minutes we heard Team Nogueira attempting to make themselves believe that Jules even had a chance by saying that Vinny probably dislikes contact and one good smash to the mouth may just do him in. The fighters talked so much about seeing the "pretty face" get smashed in that it sounded more like jealous women in a nightclub bathroom than a group of fighters talking about a future bout.

On the other side it would be Team Mir fighters taking bets on the fight and Vinny letting them know that he is going to be looking for a flying arm bar to finish Bruchez off. Magalhaes then says that if he loses this fight that he would just retire. It is a good thing he would win as he has a better future in fighting than he does in finding employment in a field where he can just have some fun with the girls. In all actuality he would probably have to earn a living by dancing for the boys if his fighting days were to end.

Krzysztof Soszynski struck with a prank, and it was not only his best yet but one that was creative and taken in stride by all fighters in the house. Soszynski apparently has access to props and placed an order for a tombstone, body bag, flowers and candles in order to create a makeshift grave out of Jules Bruchez' bed. The only thing that boggled my mind was that words on the tombstone were not engraved but rather poorly written on a piece of white notebook paper and taped on. All I am saying is that if you can call up the guys at Spike and have props delivered that you can surely come up with something better than notebook paper for the last words. Spike may not have access to the best props in the world and as such this came off looking like it was pulled from the set of a really crappy horror film and delivered to the house.

What was written on Jules Bruchez' tombstone was that "He lived, he died, who cared;" and if you would substitute fought for lived and lost for died, you would be dead on in summing up his experience as a part of this show. More effort was put into this prank than Bruchez would show inside the Octagon and I cannot wait to see how "Shecky" Soszynski tops this prank in the upcoming weeks.

As time drew near for the fight we would get the last words from both fighters and it seemed that Jules Bruchez definitely knew he was probably not going to emerge victorious and considered his position to be a "win-win," in that no one expected him to succeed anyhow. On the other side it would be more of the same from Vinny and Team Mir as Frank Mir said "if you get submitted by Jules, I'll quit as a coach" in reference to Magalhaes recanting the tale of a dream he had in which Bruchez did in fact submit him. We go from the dream to reality as Magalhaes says that he can knock Jules out, submit him and make him cry. No word on if he would then go have fun with the girls but he was at least going to have a little fun in the Octagon with Jules.

Vinny Magalhaes vs. Jules Bruchez is on and the first few minutes of this fight were absolutely brutal to watch. Jules looks even more tentative than a young Amish teen with his first hooker during "Rumspringa" and is content to circle and do nothing more than paw hesitantly at his opponent. Vinny wasn't exactly walking him down either but he was connecting with a few kicks and simply controlled the action due to Jules' fear of Magalhaes ground game more than it was due to any effort on Vinny's part.

Finally we would have some action at around the three minute mark as the fighters locked up and Vinny took Jules down and swept to mount without any effort at all as soon as the two fighters were on the ground. Vinny looked to finish off Bruchez with a mounted gogoplata but instead rolled to the left and took the easier path to victory with an armbar that caused Jules to tap instantaneously. I certainly don't have a lot of respect for Magalhaes as a person from what we have seen of him on the show but my respect for his Brazilian Jiu-Jitsu is unending. This guy is brilliant on the ground and I can see why he is a four-time world champion; although beating Jules Bruchez in this manner would not require a fighter to be as decorated as Magalhaes.

This fight was atrocious and was saved only by Vinny's submission which still wasn't enough to make this one a fight that anyone would ever wish to watch again. In fact, Dana White even thanked God that the fight went to the ground as these two on their feet seemed to work better than Tylenol PM on him. Vinny has probably never had to do more than rely on his out of this world BJJ to get by and it is going to be hard to teach this old dog some new tricks in terms of working on his stand up game. All of that being said, it is going to be impossible for Bruchez to really become a complete fighter unless he goes back to the drawing board and starts anew with decided vigor. Best of luck to Jules but I think you may be seeing him icing a cake on the Food Network before you shall ever hear his name announced from inside of a ring anywhere.

This was certainly a solid episode of this series and the previews for next week suggest that we are in for some more hi-jinks from the boys along the way to getting the final quarterfinal fights behind us. It looks like we shall be treated to the sight of Tom Lawlor pissing into a fruit bowl and then watching as others then eat the urine-soaked fruit. It doesn't sound like much fun to be sure but a urine-soaked watermelon may just be the thing to take the taste of this awful Bruchez-Magalhaes fight out of our mouths. Be sure to bake a cake, or even two, and have them ready by 10pm next Wednesday for the next installment of 'The Ultimate Fighter'.

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