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By: Jason Bent, MMATorch Columnist Elite Xtreme Combat (Elite XC)
22 months
December 14, 2006-October 20, 2008
Los Angeles, CA
Elite Xtreme Combat of Los Angeles, CA was the illegitimate bastard MMA child born of a poor business decision made by Showtime Networks, Inc. and Pro Elite, Inc. on December 14, 2006. This MMA organization was brought into this world by being pulled out of the ass of a mother who had no business bringing an MMA organization into this world but set out to raise it as well as she possibly could with help from the equally inept father.
David Marshall, Doug DeLuca, Kelly Perdew and Gary Shaw were in charge of caring for and nurturing this developmentally challenged organization and were truly incapable of providing everything Elite XC needed, but refused to listen to anyone who offered assistance. Like many other products of a broken home, Elite XC went without necessities such as having a proper business plan and effective advertising campaigns and often would go to bed hungry and wonder why Santa Claus could never find its house on Christmas Day.
Elite XC had one childhood friend by the name of Jared Shaw aka "$kala," and the two were inseparable from the moment they met each other in the back alley of Gary Shaw Productions while being babysat by two degenerate gamblers who were forced into childcare in order to pay off their debt to bookmakers in Atlantic City, NJ. "$kala" would often bust out into incomprehensible freestyle raps while Elite XC would act as the human beatbox and the two would buck their talents up and down the boardwalk for loose change and in hopes of making connections in the music industry. The two did everything together and when young Jared decided to get his moniker of "$kala" tattooed across his abdomen, Elite XC got inked as well with "Third Rate" going from shoulder to shoulder in "Old English" lettering.
The two even got to record a demo thanks to the gift of studio time given to young Jared as a birthday present from his father, Gary. The tracks these two laid down were some of the worst in recent memory, and the subsequent album produced from these sessions made Telly Savalas' "Who Loves Ya' Baby" seem like The Beatles' "Sgt. Pepper" in comparison. Their first single, "Ya Gotz to Stand Up if You Wanna Get Paid," died on arrival at the local college radio station and so too it seemed did the dreams of riding in limousines and drinking champagne when they got thirsty.
Elite XC and Jared Shaw would never again be as close as they once were but together they worked hard to bring their vision of "Third Rate" and "$kala" to the world and put on MMA shows that made one wonder if the world would have been better had the two simply been granted a record deal. The two had hopes of recording entrance music for the fighters in hopes of performing live at the next Elite XC on CBS show before Elite XC met its untimely demise.
Elite XC never did marry, but he would often go through a dozen or so dancers in one night and was routinely fueled by arrogance and ignorance which seemed to lend him an improbable amount of stamina. Young women who looked like 'Solid Gold' dancers as dressed in Hooters uniforms would make their way in and out of the office in order to accompany fighters to the ring in between pleasing Elite XC and Jared Shaw. Elite XC ran up such healthy tabs at the local escort agencies that it caused everyone to wonder if maybe things could be better if Elite wouldn't spend his money so foolishly.
Everyone seemed to agree that Elite XC should settle down with one woman and cut the unnecessary expense of having dancers for the fighter entrances but Elite XC would not listen. Thankfully, Elite XC left behind no children as he was officially sterile and unable to procreate.
Elite XC did not receive any formal education, but it is widely known that Jared Shaw was home schooled, so perhaps the same can be said of the MMA organization. Before Elite XC passed away he did contact the Art Instruction Schools and request the information packet along with the aptitude test, but alas never did live to see if he could have drawn the turtle well enough to earn a full scholarship. Elite XC had dreams beyond MMA and all of these were as grandiose and supremely ignorant in their own special way. It is possible that Elite XC could have found his niche in opening up a screen printed t-shirt store in Venice but sadly, we shall never know just what was in store for Elite XC as time ran out too soon.
Elite XC was employed by Showtime, CBS and Gary Shaw and was twice awarded employee of the month just for simply showing up on time and looking presentable. CBS was especially dismayed at the initial performance of young Elite XC in May of 2008 but reluctantly welcomed him back in July and then in October with hopes that things could turn around for the young, misguided and inept MMA promotion. Had CBS gotten the chance, they would have wished Elite XC all of the best in his future endeavors but were never given the chance to say goodbye before the plug was pulled on the promotion.
Elite XC enjoyed hanging out in New Jersey, eating at Pink's Hot Dogs in Los Angeles, CA and venturing off to Brazil to scout out new MMA talent and to spend time with shemale hookers in a bungalow outside of Rio during the Carnival. Shockingly, Elite XC never contracted a communicable disease and was even unable to pick up new viewers on television either. Elite XC seemed healthy until the very end, but was terminally ill after having been diagnosed as a really sh***y MMA promotion run by an egotistical boob who knew nothing about the sport nor did he seem to care.
Elite XC was not a member of any groups or charitable organizations but did begin to work with the horrible t-shirt company of Affliction near the end of his life. Elite XC dreamed of one day not working with the UFC but rather putting them out of business, and it was this jealousy that seemed to inspire such poor life choices.
As far as religion goes, it is not known of what faith Elite XC may have been although it is known that only a delusional few ever had faith in the company to begin with. When Kimbo Slice went down, Elite XC did finally scream to God and ask Him why everything was happening. It is not known if this was the day that Elite XC chose to find Jesus, but it is the day that they regret finding Seth Petruzelli in the main event.
Elite XC is survived by no one as most have simply walked away and pretended to have nothing to do with this company after such a tragic end to this young promotion's life. Gary Shaw still keeps a photo or two in his wallet and occasionally drinks glass after glass of Old Grandad in hopes of pushing the memories out of his mind. Jared Shaw has decided to step back into the rap game and do it out of respect for Elite XC, Biggie and Pac and shall be releasing his new album by way of MySpace in the next few weeks. The inspiration for his new music is clearly bitches, hoes, cocaine and Elite XC, and this should be a really introspective look into the mind of "$kala" for once and all.
Elite XC was predeceased by the IFL, M-1 Global and Adrenaline (which doesn't even know it is dead yet), and could soon find Affliction and HDNet Fights joining them on that network in the sky.
Services were held on October 20, 2008 and were officiated by Jared Shaw, Jay Glazer and a very drunk and beligerent Mauro Ranallo who insisted on exclaiming "c**t" after every word that was spoken while staring lustily at the women who came to pay their respects.
Elite XC was laid to rest by Kimbo Slice, who was unable to carry the promotion while it was alive but found the strength to drag it into the ground after being pummeled by Seth Petruzelli. Gina Carano was to be a pallbearer along with Cris Cyborg but they remained in their seats and shadow boxed for the cameras in hopes of hyping a future fight.
In lieu of flowers, the bereaved asked everyone to instead investigate the wrongdoings alleged by Seth Petruzelli and to spend their money on the next two UFC PPV's in order to see that MMA isn't all bad.
Well wishers can sign the guestbook which is located at the front desk of Dennis Hof's Moonlite Bunny Ranch, a legal brothel in Nevada where Jared Shaw shall be spending the next few weeks in order to deal with all of his emotions at a crazy time such as this.
Robbie Lawler, Scott Smith, Wilson Reis, Jake Shields, and Antonio Silva were all in attendance at the funeral and were giving their last respects to their fallen company and to hand out their resumes to anyone in attendance who owned a gym or could perhaps get them a meeting with Dana White. Nick Diaz was also in attendance but he roamed around the parking lot while giving passersby the middle finger and telling people to quit ducking him. He now believes that the company folded as a way to avoid having to face him and at this moment he has still not calmed down enough to listen to reason.
KJ Noons did not attend but he did have the Elite XC Lightweight belt delivered to the funeral home where it was then placed in a bag of dog excrement and lit on fire atop the steps in memoriam.
The eulogy was delivered by Seth Petruzelli, and from all reports gathered there was not a dry eye in the house. Estimated attendance was 47, of which 28 were comped, and even the funeral home took a loss by allowing them to have their services.
The official cause of death was listed as a "Kimbo Slice Loss" which is believed to have developed after having contracted "Seth Petruzelli" due to a cut on Ken Shamrock's eyebrow. It is believed that the body will be buried upright as there was a deal made at the cemetary to ensure that Elite XC will always keep it on the feet, but this has not been able to be substantiated at the time of this article.
Elite XC will not be missed but will certainly never be forgotten by Jason Bent and the entire staff at MMATorch.
"Goodbye Papa please pray for me
I was the black sheep of the family
You tried to teach me right from wrong
Too much wine and too much song
Wonder how I got along.
Goodbye Papa its hard to die
When all the birds are singing in the sky
Now that the spring is in the air
Little children everywhere
When you see them I'll be there.
We had joy we had fun
We had seasons in the sun
But the wine and the song like the seasons
Have all gone.
We had joy we had fun
We had seasons in the sun
But the wine and the song like the seasons
Have all gone."
- Terry Jacks "Seasons in the Sun"
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