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At first glance, the above statement sounds like something a beefy fraternity brother would tell you regarding the number of shots it will take to keep your ass from magically making a road cone vanish out of sight; but relax, I am only counting down the number of episodes that remain for this eighth installment of ‘The Ultimate Fighter’. In all actuality it is rush week at the TUF house; and fifteen fighters remain as the pledges continue to vie for the opportunity to be one of the two who shall be initiated into the UFC as winners of the competition. Last week Krzysztof Soszynski organized a “panty raid” of sorts involving plastic wrap and the underwear of Team Nogueira, while this week would see the boys uncork some wine and gather around the television; hijinks would ensue.
The television in the TUF house is kind of like a yeti, as only a few have actually seen it and it doesn’t remain in sight for too long, but there it was in all of its glory and airing the UFC 84 PPV for the fighters to enjoy. The fighters go stir crazy, and you could probably have shown them episodes of ‘Small Wonder’ and they would have been as focused on the screen as a hamster is while running inside of a wheel. These guys have been eating, sleeping and breathing nothing but fighting, and while it was indeed fighting on the TV, it at least provided them a break from each other for the time being.
The scene was serene as Junie Browning and Shane Nelson decided that a gathering of great friends called for a bottle of good wine to be enjoyed. Of course by enjoyed I mean guzzled as if they were trying to get rid of a bad taste in their mouths. This wine disappeared like a bottle of MD 20/20 at a high school graduation party and one has to imagine that Spike edited out the presence of a funnel. Wine is fine but liquor is quicker proved to ring true as tequila joined the fray and was soon gone as if it were gasoline in the tank of a Ford Excursion. I have watched episodes of ‘Intervention’ on A&E that have featured end-stage alcoholics who exhibited more restraint when near a bottle of booze than these fighters. Like the sight of a full moon in a werewolf movie, alcohol in the TUF house foretells of a similar change in the fighters.
So begins the smack talking which largely consists of Junie Browning staggering around the room and challenging all of Team Nogueira to a fight while chastising them for wearing those insufferable red shirts. They say that you shouldn’t wave a red cape in front of an angry bull, and much could be said about wearing red when seated in front of an intoxicated Browning. Now, it has been proven that bulls don’t charge based on the color but rather the movement and I would still argue that this applies towards Junie as he went off against anyone that dared take a breath as this show would continue.
Before we get to that point we must start with peanuts. Not of the Charles Schulz variety but rather the Planter’s kind which Junie proceeded to fling around the room as if he were laying down rose petals at the feet of royalty, but with these directed at the faces of fighters he seemed to dislike. Light heavyweight Kyle Kingsbury decided to join in on the fun and gleefully tossed a bowl full of peanuts back at Browning. Alright, there was no glee here; but I am talking about men hitting each other in the face with their nuts. Wait, that sounds as bad as Dana White saying that you don’t vote someone off but you “beat them off” on this show. At any rate this last toss by Kingsbury was one fling too many and Junie decided to match bowl of nuts with a flying glass. Of course the glass breaks which causes Kingsbury to suffer a cut.
I imagined Kyle would pull something out of a Bruce Lee movie and perhaps take a taste of his own blood, raise one eyebrow at Junie and then fly across the room with fists of fury, but this was not to be the case as Kingsbury remained calm and simply glad he only suffered a cut on his arm and not his face. In the midst of the wine glass tossing portion of the evening’s events, Shane Nelson decides it is his turn to feel ten feet tall and bulletproof as he drops a torrent of f-bombs before shoving Roli Delgado to the floor. Delgado remained Kingsbury-calm as he would not engage Shane, which served to further provoke Shane and cause him to seek out a more willing participant. Shane focused on Efrain Escudero and did his best to try and goad Efrain into a fight, but once again faced a brick wall of resolve as Escudero chose not to retaliate with anything more than a smile. With no one really giving much back in return, both Browning and Nelson decided that they should take their party downstairs. This wouldn’t prove to last for long as the two decided things would be more fun if they were poolside.
Like a fat man to a wicker chair, these two destroyed every single piece of furniture they could get their hands on and sent everything else flying into the pool. Wives have caught their husbands in bed with the baby sitter and made less a mess of the home than the casts of this series. Glass was smashed everywhere and Junie threatened that he was going to shatter a beer bottle and hit someone with it. This seemed less like ‘The Ultimate Fighter’ and more like HBO’s ‘Oz,’ but as quickly as Junie threatened violence it was over as he decided to undress and take a dip in the pool.
It seemed that there would be peace in the valley; well, at least until Krzysztof Soszynski decided to push Junie Browning’s clothes into the pool for good measure. Before you could scream, “Oh no you didn’t!,” at your television it was, as Peyton Manning might say, “on like Donkey Kong” and we had ourselves yet another dust-up. Junie was in Krzysztof’s face over the dunking of the clothes as Ryan Bader snuck by and tossed them back in once again. Now, Junie was angry; and by angry I mean he wasn’t just posturing any longer, and he was actually going for Bader rather than simply trying to goad him into a fight. Once again it seems as if an actual fight is going to be avoided until Junie lands a front kick which sends Tom Lawler to the ground and causes the fighters to pile up as if this were a scrum during a water rugby game. Amazingly we still did not have an all out war on our hands and it seemed as if things were finally simmering down. Junie Browning was in the emotional stage of a drunken night and began to sob uncontrollably as everyone began trading hugs rather than peanuts, and it was finally over.
Of course the opera isn’t over until the fat lady sings and a season of TUF isn’t over until Dana White has to visit the house because of some drunken revelry. As the fighters gather on the couch and Junie comes in from shooting hoops we are treated to what sounds like Dana White doing a Tom Waits impression. Seriously, Dana sounded like he had been gargling shards of broken glass as his voice was beyond hoarse from a late night and some tremendous vocal strain. White has always come off as the Godfather of MMA of sorts and it was only fitting that now he would sound like Marlon Brando as he began to chew these men out for their behavior.
It was Brando of course who uttered the now famous line,” I’m gonna make him an offer he can’t refuse” and now it was White’s turn to match Don Vito with something equally as memorable and succinct. As the fighters sat on the couch like investors in an E.F. Hutton commercial with their ears wide open, Dana White told them that they had been acting like “a bunch of drunken retards”. That’s right. The President of the company decided it was politically correct to call future employees, “retards”. Were the guys out of line? You bet. Were they a**holes and quite possibly drunken a**holes at that? Indeed they were but I would have gone that route and possibly added a “fu**ing” before the “a**hole” rather than deem them to be retarded. At any rate, Dana tore into his “retards” for a while longer before letting everyone know that no one was being kicked off of the show. Talk about retarded! What? Dana said it, doesn’t that make it ok? Anyhow, rather than send anyone home it would be time to pick the next fight and in this case it would be Shane Nelson’s chance to fight for survival as White made it clear that he would like to see Nelson face off against Efrain Escudero as a way of settling their little incident from the previous evening.
We finally have a fight on our hands and one that will take place inside of an Octagon and not by a pool and it is Team Mir’s Shane Nelson facing off against Team Nogueira’s Efrain Escudero in the lightweight division. The first round is tentatively fought at best but is clearly one which I could see going to Nelson on the scorecards as he was able to connect with a few strikes and for most of the round was able to avoid taking the fight to the ground which would have been to Escudero’s advantage. The second round would prove to be Nelson’s undoing as Efrain got the takedown rather quickly and this fight had suddenly swayed in favor of Escudero. I am not necessarily an Escudero fan based on how he fought this fight but he was able to lock in a leg triangle and flip Nelson over so as to apply all of the pressure from the top which forced Shane to tap out in no time. Efrain is a very skilled fighter but I truly feel that he could have finished this one off earlier and perhaps have been more aggressive. I simply believe that he was a much more skilled fighter than Nelson and seemed to be way too tentative for my taste. Junie Browning would also have a little bit of a problem with the perceived lack of action from Efrain Escudero.
Junie screams that all the “UFC needs is another boring ass wrestler” before becoming incensed by the smile that Escudero seemed to flash his way and this provoked Browning into jumping over the cage and inside of the Octagon. From what I can tell there was no alcohol at the training facility, so this wasn’t fueled by 80 proof spirits but rather a fighting spirit and over what Browning saw as a lack thereof from Escudero. The show would end with Junie having to be restrained while in the cage and challenging Efrain to a fight. Escudero constantly shouts that he wants Junie next and while this won’t be Junie’s next fight it quite possibly could happen should Browning remain in the house after this blowup.
We are left to wonder what will happen next week while sitting back and trying to understand what in the hell had just taken place. One thing is for certain and that is the amount of drama is going to increase before it goes away. For all of the shows’ fans who claimed that last year offered none of the drama inside the house, they certainly can’t say that this group is boring. This house is loaded with talent and so far that talent has gotten mostly loaded for the entire world to see. Junie Browning is a special talent and from what I have seen of him in the past, I feel he could easily compete against the UFC’s best at 155lbs. if all he had to do was simply walk into the Octagon. I mean walk, not climb over the fence, but actually walk into the Octagon.
While many will effectively argue that he should be kicked off of the show for his behavior, and I cannot disagree with your reasoning, I am selfishly hoping he can get a free pass to remain on the show as I know he has what it takes to win inside the Octagon. Junie needs some guidance and he would get better guidance while under the wing of the UFC than he could ever hope to obtain should he be unceremoniously tossed out. Of course I say this without knowing just what exactly he will do in future episodes and for all I know it gets even worse than it has already. For all I know Jesse Taylor rents a limo and takes the guys out for a night on the town in Vegas, after they had just been forced to sit through Elite XC’s debut on CBS, so only time will tell if we have seen the best of the worst or that we haven’t seen anything just yet.
Four down, and only eight more to go.
Grab a bottle of wine, a bowl of nuts and have some replacement furniture on hand; we’ve only just begun.
