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By: Jason Bent, MMATorch Columnist By now the dust has settled, the smoke has cleared and Jared Shaw is curled up in the fetal position upon his bed while alternating between crying jags and screams of “behind the head, he hit him behind the head” as Elite XC: Heat is now history. Kimbo Slice’s manager “Icey Mike” is now watching potential endorsement deals go down the drain, as it could be back to the boatyards and on the set of “MILF Hunter” for Slice after what went down last night.
Elite XC: Heat was just something you couldn’t take your eyes off of, as it was a train wreck of epic proportions and something that you realized should not be happening as much as you really shouldn’t be watching. Put it this way, Elite XC: Heat was like walking in on your grandparents mid-coitus. There are some things that they just shouldn’t be doing and you certainly don’t ever want to see them doing it again. You just hope that should your grandparents be feeling amorous in the future that they would have the decency to lock the door in much the same way that Elite XC should not be under the prime time network lights. Elite XC is to MMA as ‘Baby Bob’ was to sitcoms and both should be similar in that they shall never appear on the network again. Of course no one ever actually laughed at ‘Baby Bob’. How fitting it is that CBS is the home of ‘Worst Week’ because this was indeed just that for Kimbo Slice, Jared Shaw and Elite XC.
Before I get to the main event, please allow me to take us back in time a la ‘How I Met Your Mother’ and fill you in on all of the happenings from this card that brought us to where we are today. The first thing that happened, which triggered the dominos to fall was Ken Shamrock being scratched from the main event. Exactly ten minutes before the show was to be broadcast live on CBS it was announced to those in attendance that Ken Shamrock would not be fighting Kimbo Slice and that it would instead be Seth Petruzelli. Normally the fans feel cheated after sitting through an Elite card but this time those who paid upwards of $700 to even $1000 a ticket to see this were feeling this way before the televised portion had even taken place. Ken Shamrock was medically disqualified due to a cut over his left eye, which took six stitches to close, and was caused by an accidental head butt during a light workout which should not have ever taken place in the hours leading up to the fight.
Ken Shamrock never goes light. This is a guy who could probably blow out his ACL while sitting on the toilet and reading the newspaper in the morning. I wouldn’t be shocked to find out that Ken Shamrock was in a parking lot and facing off against Tyler Durden in order to psych himself up for the main event. He could have waited and gotten cut by contact with Kimbo’s glass chin rather than doing so beforehand and depriving those who had purchased a ticket of the opportunity to witness the main event as advertised. At any rate, Ken was remorseful and legitimately upset while wishing for a do over; Kimbo Slice and Elite would later be wishing for just the same.
The first fight of the televised portion of the card pitted Benji Radach against Murilo “Ninja” Rua and this middleweight matchup served to be more of an example of how far Rua has fallen rather than a showcasing of Radach. Rua, the “Chute Boxe” product is more of a “Shot Fighter” at this stage of the game and he looked nothing like the man who once was a feared fighter in the now defunct Pride promotion. Radach is definitely a serviceable striker but he should have never gotten the chance to land so many shots on the once formidable “Ninja”. Benji won by KO at 2:31 of the second round and the referee actually could have stepped in sooner as Radach landed an additional two punches that Rua did not need to take. Pride is no longer an organization and Murilo Rua is no longer a top flight fighter and he will have to go back to the drawing board if he hopes to regain even a shred of his former glory. I simply do not see this happening and feel his best days are very much behind him.
Next up would be the women’s bout featuring Gina Carano against Kelly Kobold in what was really intended to be more of a commercial for Carano than a competitive fight. Gina once again missed making weight for this fight and was forced to strip down completely nude in order to just barely make it. Clearly this is a problem for her as this was her fifth fight in a row that she was unable to make weight for. The weigh-ins would prove to be humorous as the towel which was being held up to shield Gina fell down and this caused every single flash in the room to go off. The gathered crowd was hoping for a shot of Gina’s breasts as if they were 12 yr. old boys staring at the scrambled porn channel in hopes of making out a boob but not being able to tell the difference between that or an elbow. Of course everyone was glad that Gina had to weigh in nude rather than her opponent. Nothing against Kelly Kobold but she looks like the character of “Ms. Swan” from old sketches on Mad TV and has a gap between her teeth that would make David Letterman feel better about his very own.
Kobold wanted to “break something beautiful” in her fight with Carano but this would prove to be as futile as when she tries to make something beautiful out of what she sees in the mirror. Carano won by unanimous decision and this was really a very clumsy and lackluster fight. I did have a problem with the refereeing of this fight and the seemingly peculiarity that was separating the fighters so often. This would of course benefit Carano and while Kobold was never in position to dominate, separating the fighters allowed Gina to turn this into a striking game which is her strong suit. Cris Cyborg watched from ringside and there is no way that Elite XC pulls the trigger on that matchup. Seriously, Cyborg is so masculine that she probably wears briefs with a fly; and if she ever got nude at a weigh in it would prove to be something out of “The Crying Game” rather than anything that anyone ever wished to see. Gina dodged a bullet in this victory over Kobold and Elite will make sure to not put a loaded gun in front of her any time soon.
Affliction was a part of this Elite XC fight card and in between running clothing ads they found a way to shoehorn the heavyweight matchup pitting Andrei “The Pitbull” Arlovski against Roy “Big Country” Nelson. Going into this night it seemed to most that this matchup could be the most competitive of the night and the one with the most significance. Affliction’s PPV card was postponed, and this would be a way to potentially advertise their future shows while allowing their contracted fighters a chance to remain active.
The fighter who really lost in this partnership of Affliction and Elite XC would be Tim Sylvia. The Affliction clothing ads which were to promote Fedor would feature the entire 36 second victory over Tim at the inaugural Affliction PPV from July. For Tim Sylvia to have to watch this over and over would be much like having to sit and watch video footage of the time the elementary school bully gave you a wedgie; on a continuous loop; in front of all of your family and friends. Except in Sylvia’s case the entire world got to watch him get his ass kicked. Affliction t-shirts are hideous. These shirts make the “Big Johnson” tees look like works or art, and they look as if they were created by shoving a crayon up a dog’s ass and imploring him to scoot across some fabric. It took commercial after commercial for this collection of clothing as garish as Zubaz pants before it was time for the co-promoted fight to begin.
This fight again made me quite angry and upset at the officiating which can only be described as questionable. Why on earth did the referee continuously stand these men up due to lack of advancing their positions when Roy Nelson was at a decided advantage on the ground? Nelson had Arlovski in a kimura attempt and the referee is threatening to stand them up due to lack of action? Arlovski is the striker and this benefitted Andrei as Nelson was winning this matchup on the ground. Andrei would win by KO at 3:14 of the second round and was landing some thunderous shots but one has to wonder what could have happened had the two spent more time locked up and or on the ground. With a Fedor fight looming for Andrei, this bodes well for Affliction as they have a marquee matchup to offer, and one that is light years beyond what a Nelson-Fedor fight could possibly have been. Andrei won this fight but the officiating was questionable and this would be a recurring theme throughout the night for me.
The Welterweight championship would be on the line next as champion Jake Shields defended the belt against Paul Daley and this fight was infinitely better than I could have imagined going in. Again, the officiating was questionable as Shields is superior on the ground and in this fight there would be no threats of a forced stand up taking place. On the feet it was Daley’s fight to win as Shields couldn’t bust a grape with his shots and it was on the ground that Paul fell by way of submitting to an arm bar at 3:47 of the second round. Shields is solid, but in my eyes he is not necessarily great, and he would be greatly exposed if he were fighting against better opposition in a promotion such as the UFC.
After the fight, Shields intimated that he would like to move up in weight and challenge Robbie Lawler for the Middleweight championship at a later date. There is no way I would want this fight for Shields if I were his handlers, as Lawler is a swing for the fences type of guy and if he could keep the fight on the feet would be liable to knock Jake’s head off. Of course this is realistically the only fight for Shields in Elite XC that anyone would even be tempted to watch; so it probably will happen sooner rather than later.
The main event was finally upon us and it was the decided letdown of Seth Petruzelli stepping into the spotlight to take on the internet sensation of Kimbo Slice. Look, Shamrock vs. Slice was not exactly going to be Lesnar vs. Couture but it was marketable and of passing interest to quite a few. Petruzelli vs. Slice was like the second Darren on ‘Bewitched,’ and this was already not a great show going in that now looked like it was going to get even worse. Seth Petruzelli with the pink hair and matching mouthpiece was set to do battle against the bearded badass Kimbo Slice, and this was the main event no one could have imagined featuring the finish which proved to be equally shocking. Petruzelli was a live opponent and one who had both skill and youth as he was not the usual hopeless foe facing off against Kimbo. It took all of 14 seconds for the man and the myth to fall. Petruzelli was against the cage and threw a very weak kick as Kimbo lunged in with a punch before landing a short, right jab of his own which sent Slice tumbling down. Slice fell forward and Seth kept throwing punches and once Kimbo turned on his back it was all over. Kimbo Slice was a house of cards and it only took the glancing blows from a guy who is a light heavyweight to knock him down in short order. While Kimbo’s star fell from the sky this does not suddenly make Seth a star. Seth is skilled but he simply fought a guy who is very much without skills.
Seth Petruzelli cannot throw a punch to save his life. Seriously this guy was throwing punches that were just absolutely ugly and was more or less flinging his arm rather than throwing a quality punch. This is why even the amazing fighters like Fedor hurt their hands, and it is because of not throwing a punch properly. Watch the replays of the fight and you will see that Petruzelli was throwing punches as if he were a pitcher using the sidearm delivery. Very ugly, but in this case equally effective, and in 14 seconds he did what so very many have been hoping would happen. This was not exactly the equivalent of George Foreman knocking out Joe Frazier in 1973 with Howard Cosell shouting, “Down goes Frazier,” but with all of Kimbo’s hype and Petruzelli being so unheralded, this fight will go down as being a significant one. The question is not what will Seth Petruzelli go on to do but rather what will become of Kimbo and Elite XC.
Kimbo Slice began his ascent by being the backyard fighter in order to get his bread and parlayed this into being the breadwinner for Elite XC. Kimbo Slice has never been good enough to merit any of the hype and or paydays that came his way. He simply was the MMA equivalent of the emperor from the Hans Christian Anderson fairy tale, “The Emperor’s New Clothes,” and for months he has been paraded around naked of any fighting skills while everyone around seemed to not notice or even really care. Seth Petruzelli assumed the role of the child who announced to the crowd that the emperor was indeed naked and 14 seconds later the crowd realized that Seth was telling the truth. Now, in the fairy tale, the emperor held his head high and continued along in his procession; there is no way that Kimbo can do so. Kimbo Slice is 34 years old and extremely unrefined and there is really not enough time to polish him to a proper shine. He is a perfect example of how a lot of hype can carry a little bit of talent a long way and with Elite’s most marketable fighter revealed to be a joke, where can Elite XC hope to go from here?
Elite XC jumped into the fight game with both feet and hitched their cart to Kimbo Slice in hopes of challenging the UFC for MMA supremacy. This company has hemorrhaged money and could not have afforded to have their biggest name fall as hard as he did on national television. This wasn’t Ken Shamrock who was past his prime but rather Seth Petruzelli, a fighter who may never even have a prime, that toppled their giant. Elite XC made the mistake of banking on one fighter to make them a force and you simply cannot do such a thing. The UFC isn’t about any one fighter but rather all of them collectively, and the company is the star regardless of who enters the Octagon. Elite XC took second billing to the internet hype machine that was Kimbo Slice and their future in this fight game seems as bleak as their star’s.
If Howard Cosell were alive today, one could possibly hear him shouting, “Down goes Elite XC! Down goes Elite XC!”, as the referee waves the fight off; but in all actuality there never really was a fight. Elite XC was never really a worthy competitor to the UFC in much the same way that Kimbo Slice was never really a top flight fighter. Both fell Saturday night and it would shock me if either one could ever stand back up. Elite XC: Heat is now behind us and everything that could have gone wrong for Elite went wrong. ‘Worst Week’ is a comedy smash for CBS and Kimbo Slice experienced his worst weekend on the same network while being exposed to the world as nothing but a smashed joke.
Oh, and the after party is STILL on.
Holler.
At.
Your.
Boy.
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