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By: Rich Hansen, MMATorch Contributor
Wow. How about that UFC 114 show? We had black on black crime technical fighting, the most shocking come from behind knockout of all...
-“…everybody else is lazy. That’s the God’s honest truth. These fighters who say, ‘I’m looking for the finish,’ they’re not looking for the finish. They’re looking to get out of there because it’s really hard work. These lazy fighters who don’t want to have to go out and grind for fifteen minutes, it’s not pleasant, but that’s the business we’re in.”
Focus Rich, focus. We had Mike Russow amaze the mixed martial arts world (although not me, HA!) by showing both an iron chin and an iron fist.
-"185 pounds is the toughest division in the business. If you're going to go after the belt, go after the tough one. I'd love to get a night off and go beat up some of [the UFC's light heavyweights]. For god's sake, 205 had a karate guy that was their champion. That weight class is a joke."
BAH! Why can’t I focus? Is there not enough going on in the world of mixed martial arts? Maybe UFC 114 has been beaten to death already. Maybe all this punching and leg breaking is too dark for me right now. Let’s try another topic instead, and just shelf the UFC 114 review.
Ahem.
So where in the hell has Gina Carano been hiding her fine self? I mean, ok, sure, she got busted up by Cyborg a few months back, but not so badly that she couldn’t get cast in a Soderbergh movie.
-“He beat up a drunk Chris Leben and a one-legged Patrick Cote and every bum that could get a plane ticket to Ohio.”
I mean sure, she couldn’t finish Kelly Kobold in her last victory, but she was absolutely enthralling versus...
-“He went up to light heavyweight, but how hard is that? It’s the easiest weight class in the company. He beat up some slow and unathletic guys up there.”
Um. Sorry about that. So anyhow, back on point here. Her combination of brawn, beauty, and fantastic Muay Thai and boxing make her an absolute threat to any...
-“Mixed martial arts fighters are a bunch of meatheads.”
Sorry folks. I guess I just can’t stay focused on Gina Carano either. I guess she’s about as relevant right now as Mister Belvedere is to Hollywood. There must be something wrong with me that I can’t even focus on Gina Carano. Let’s reload and start anew.
First, I’ll take one deep cleansing breath. Then another. And a headline. Yeah, I need a snappy headline. One not written by management. OK, let’s roll.
-"If I beat Anderson Silva and become the World Champion, I imagine I'll get in a public dispute with the UFC, I'll call Dana a bunch of names throughout the media and I imagine I'll leave the company. After about a year or so, I'll realize that there's nowhere else to go, return to the UFC with a raise and probably coach the reality show. I'm just sayin' it seems to be the trend, doesn't it?"
NO! That’s not a headline. Let’s try again. I have a topic. I have an angle, and I have a headline. If only I can keep my brain from drifting off every 30 seconds.
SHOOTO: What Happened to SHOOTO?
OK, good. One headline, check. Now, I just need an opening sentence that will hold the reader. And then once I hook the reader in, I can write my long awaited Shooto column. Here goes.
People are often surprised that Shooto isn’t merely a Japanese fighting organization, but in reality is an actual sport in and of itself. Shooto has a long rich history…
-“(UFC 108) wasn’t cursed; they just lined up a bunch of sissies. All these guys keep pulling out, ‘Oh, I’m hurt. I broke my such-and-such. I got a staph infection.’ So what? What does that have to do with anything? If you said you’d fight, when they call your name, walk out there and fight.”
“I’m not one of those guys who says, ‘I just want go out there and entertain the fans.’ I’m not that guy.”
"I'd rather have Anderson who (is) big and tall and those long legs that I can come out and run over.”
"If Anderson ever signed to fight me, which is highly unlikely, he'll be getting a verbal beating like you've never seen."
FINE! Jesus H. HockeySticks already, I’ll write the damn Chael Sonnen column already. But let it be known that I AM VERY mad at my stooopid brain that won’t stop focusing on Chael Damn Sonnen. But just so you know, I’m doing this under protest. And my Shooto column is still waiting to be developed. Shooto will have their day.
Chael Sonnen is, of course, completely insane. There’s not one drop of sanity in the man’s system. The man is one total loose cannon who can’t control his thoughts, words, tongue, or actions. There’s zero rhyme or reason, and absolutely no method to his madness. And let’s be completely clear, in case all of the aforementioned quotes weren’t clear enough, the man is completely incapable of rational thought. And in case you aren’t convinced, get a load of this…
-“I respect Anderson’s (skills) too. I respect all these guys and their skills, don’t get me wrong. I’m just saying let’s slow down on this stuff about Anderson being the greatest fighter ever.”
Whoops. That must be the one isolated quote that makes Sonnen look like anything other than a complete nutjob tool. I mean, even the biggest verbal chainsaw in the world can slip up and say one nice thing about one person once. Let’s go back to his bag of quotes and try this one:
-“I think Nate does everything well. There’s only been a few times when I’ve had to sit down and watch film on a guy and come away scratching my head, saying, ‘Geez, I don’t know what I’m going to do to this guy.’ You know, I don’t know what I bring to the table that shuts this guy down. Nate’s one of those guys. I don’t know what skills I have that are going to come in super handy.”
OK, now I’m confused. I mean, sure, there are 10,000 quotes coming from this maniac that show just how little respect he has for anybody and anything in mixed martial arts, but then he has nice things to say about Nate Marquardt (whom he defeated handily) AND about Anderson Silva. The same Anderson Silva about whom he has said:
-“I don’t know who (Silva)’s beaten in the top ten. He beat up a drunk Chris Leben and a one-legged Patrick Cote and every bum that could get a plane ticket to Ohio. He went up to light heavyweight, but how hard is that? It’s the easiest weight class in the company.”
…and:
-"If I beat Anderson Silva and become the World Champion, I imagine I'll get in a public dispute with the UFC, I'll call Dana a bunch of names throughout the media and I imagine I'll leave the company. After about a year or so, I'll realize that there's nowhere else to go, return to the UFC with a raise and probably coach the reality show. I'm just sayin' it seems to be the trend, doesn't it?"
OK, so the man has a rare gift to destroy seven people when only targeting one. But insanity and genius are frequently tied together. Just ask Edgar Allen Poe and Picasso. So apparently I just called Chael Sonnen the Poe and Picasso of, well, of shit-talking. I’m sure that will play well in the minds of historians from the 22nd century.
So whenever Sonnen opens his yapper, he has the most sublime ability to alienate everyone he mentions…
Anderson Silva and Ed Soares:
-"You want me to let you in on a secret, Anderson Silva speaks perfect English. He just has such a low amount of respect for you and all the rest of the media that he pretends he doesn't. I've had conversations with Anderson Silva in perfect English, and on top of that he's so boring to listen to that he and his rocket scientist manager, Ed Soares, who is also about as exciting as watching grass grow, have decided that Ed is better on the mic than Anderson, so just let Ed do the talking."
Damn. (No Ron Simmons)
The mixed martial arts media:
-"It's quite ironic that all the media comes on and talks about how great this guy is for reasons that are completely un-understandable to me. How great Anderson Silva is, and all of us fighters are in the back going, 'jeez, they're out there massaging his ego, Anderson hates them so much, he pretends he can't understand them,'"
Yikes!
Men who wear pink:
-“This is a grown man that's got earrings. This is a grown man who wears his hat sideways. This is a guy who wears pink T-shirts. This guy wouldn't make it 12 minutes in my neighborhood."
That is one hell of a neighborhood. I thought Oregon was nothing but hippies and loggers.
Fictional monsters aren’t safe, either:
-"That guy’s no more the top fighter out there than Bigfoot is roaming the woods."
"This guy is no more real than the Loch Ness Monster. And if he needs me to expose him then I will."
Tell you this. If Bigfoot and the Loch Ness Monster ever get their hands on these quotes, Sonnen’s neighborhood is going to have to get double-tough, because it. Will. Be. On.
So he’s certainly a crazy son of a bitch who shoots from the hip and says exactly what’s on his mind. I mean, who can’t respect that, am I right? But maybe there is a method to his madness. I mean, he’s only targeting guys that he’s going to fight, right?
-"I'm working on fighting things. I'm not spending my time on health or Anthony Robbins, screaming the word 'Yes!' over and over."
Well, maybe Diego Sanchez is going to go back to middleweight, and Sonnen wants to set the tone. So, Sonnen’s only targeting guys he’s about to fight, or guys who might someday move up to his weight class, right?
-"Even though Mark Coleman is a bum, he wins fights."
Um. How random. What did Mark Coleman ever do to Chael Sonnen? I have absolutely no idea. But there was a backhanded compliment in there, right? But at least he’s not pretentious enough to tell the man how to run his career by giving oodles of unsolicited advice. Right?
-"Who’s Mark Coleman’s coach? Who is Mark Coleman’s training partner? What is the name of the gym that he trains at? And don’t tell me the Hammer House. I want to know an actual building, an actual piece of real estate with a sign on it.
“"Everybody has a coach. Tiger Woods has a coach. Michael Jordan had a coach. Mayweather has a coach. Mark Coleman does not have a coach.
"Everybody has a team. Everybody has a team backing them. Tiger Woods has a team. Kobe has a team. All the greats have a team of any sport. He doesn’t have a team!
"He’s his own coach, he’s his own team. He doesn’t even have a gym he belongs to. That’s just silly. How you could be in this for this long and be a one man show.
"On one hand (it) is remarkable. On one hand, maybe I’m looking at it wrong. Maybe I need to compliment him a little bit, but it’s just silly. That’s not what a dedicated guy does."
Then again, I guess that maybe he is nosing his way into Mark Coleman’s career for no good reason.
So let’s recap. Chael Sonnen has managed to light up the following:
•Anderson Silva
•Mark Coleman
•Patrick Cote
•Diego Sanchez
•Chris Leben
•Everyone who pulled out of UFC 108
•Ed Soares
•The entire mixed martial arts media (I have been chastened)
•People who speak Spanish or Portugese
•People who wear earrings
•People who wear backwards hats
•Fighters who go for the KO
•Tito Ortiz (it was subtle, but it’s there)
•Anyone who fights at 205
•Bigfoot and the Loch Ness Monster (a stretch, but grant me my poetic license)
But why? Personal anecdote here. Four months ago I would have preferred to watch paint dry than watch a Chael Sonnen fight. Sonnen bored me in the cage and out. To me he was the wrestler who tapped to Paulo Filho and then said he didn’t tap. And now he’s talked himself into the role of the greatest heel on the sport. People either love him, or fricking despise him. There is nobody who follows the sport who doesn’t want to see his UFC 117 fight against Steve Buscemi (Mr. Pink? Reservoir Dogs? Bah, you don’t know funny). Even people who are sure that the fight is going to be a three minute slaughter ending in Sonnen’s decapitation are going to pay to see this fight. And that my friends, is the method to his madness.
So, since it was ever-present Sonnen quotes that got this thing written, let’s end with Sonnen at his most outrageous, disrespectful, best.
-“I don’t think anybody’s ever had a good career that didn’t win a title. I think if you never won a title, you just quit, but you didn’t retire. It’s been that way in my own wrestling career. In wrestling, if you don’t win a world or Olympic title, you can’t retire. You just have to quit the sport. So I had to quit wrestling, because I couldn’t win the world title. If you don’t win the title, you’re just in the way. Right now I’m just in the way, so I have to win the championship.”
Damn it Chael! Just when I think I have you pegged as nothing more than a shoot from the hip loudmouth who will say anything to get some notoriety, you go and say something unbelievably humbling like that?
-“Ed, pray to whatever Demon effigy you prance and dance in front of with your piglet tribe of savages that I decide not to CRUCIFY you.”
Thank you Chael.
-“Does anybody have the Maia/Silva press conf clip? I'm wide awake and out of Nyquil. Listening to them should do the trick.”
I said, “Thank you Chael.”
-“Anderson, you are going to be on your back more than a pornstar with a mortgage.”
Good night Chael.
Quotes in this article come from the following sources:
Jamie Penick, editor-in-chief
(mmatorcheditor@gmail.com)
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Frank Hyden - Rich Hansen
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