Bjorn Hansen's Take
HANSEN: UFC on Versus thoughts - Dos Santos saves the day, should throw down the chicken foot (Prison Break style)
Apr 2, 2010 - 4:59:09 PM HANSEN: UFC on Versus thoughts - Dos Santos saves the day, should throw down the chicken foot (Prison Break style)

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By: Bjorn Hansen, MMATorch Columnist

The heavily hyped and stacked card for UFC on Versus started off the same way many people thought The Soprano’s ended: abrupt, inexplicable, and yes flat-out disappointing(for the record, I disagree, I found the ending masterful.)

Locking “losers” like Clay Guida and Brendan Shaub to the undercard, (coming off of losses to Kenny Florian and Roy Nelson respectively), the UFC opted to go with their big banger’s instead.

Desperate for viewer-pleasing knockouts they pitted two heavyweights with a reputation for their allergic avoidance of the ground game. Then, in what seemed like a sight from MMA bizarro land, Cheick Kongo began to smother his opponent Paul Buentello with repeated takedowns.

Meanwhile, fan favorite Clay Guida—who by the way is an amazingly down to earth guy if you ever get to meet him—wound up catching submission of the night, while The Ultimate Fighter 10 finalist Brendan Schaub cracked a hammer over Chase Gormley’s cranium for his first UFC knockout.

In what must have felt like a nut-punch to Dana White, instead of the knockouts he sought, all he got was eye-poking punches, illegal knees, and dislocated pinkies.

I’m pretty sure that’s not the explosive beginning Dana promised the Versus executives.

Luckily, Dana knew he had an ace in his pocket that would give Versus viewers amnesia as to how the night began and instead remember how it ended.

Enter: Junior dos Santos.

Junior has come through for Dana with an iron fist, time and time again. And we’re not talking Campbell can’s either: Fabricio Werdum, Stefan Struve, Mirko Cro Cop, Gilbert Yvel, and the newest addition to his hit-list in Gabriel Gonzaga.

Now, after the UFC had devoted so much of its efforts into this Versus debut, Junior had delivered again at the most opportune time. Watching cage-side, Dana couldn’t have helped to have thought “bro, I owe this kid, big time”.

Now imagine in the post-fight interview, when responding to the “who do you want next” question, you hear Junior call out Cain Velasquez in a way that would make even Bloodsport’s Jean Claude Van Damme proud.

Would the crowd not have exploded in support if that happened?

Yet we never quite get the call-outs we’re looking for during the post fight interviews. Fighters are so afraid of derailing the UFC’s master plan that they’ve programmed themselves to give a one-size-fits-all-answer of: Who ever the UFC wants.

That answer drives me nuts. Why are they clarifying this to us? Should we be happy they’re not seeking a fight under the Strikeforce/Dream banner?

What they’re doing is surrendering their desires to Joe Silva and robbing us of any chance of seeing any genuinely heated momentous matchup.

Dana needs to take the gag out of his fighters’ mouths and let them speak. Interview questions should discover new information. If you’re just going to have the fighters repeat the same line, why even bother asking the question in the first place?

Something needs to happen here. Two words: Chicken foot.

In season three of Prison Break, when the heavily tattooed Michael Scofield character (who looks amusingly similar to Joe Lauzon) is imprisoned (again) in Panama, a chicken-foot is cast in his direction by an enemy inmate.

The warden explained that, if you’ve been “chicken-footed” it means you’ve been “called out” due to an unsettled personal grievance you have with that prisoner. The fight is to the death and in front of the other prisoners.

Once the chicken-foot’s been thrown down, the whole prison explodes into hysteria. They know what’s next. The anticipation is palpable.

You’ve been beckoned into battle in front of a testosterone-rich crowd. There’s no backing down now; not with all the other prisoner’s waiting to judge your reaction.

The only way to prove yourself is to take out the guy who dared to chicken-foot you. That way everyone else gets the message in the future.

Imagine Junior doing his prefight skip punctuated by a fist whip. Except this time, he throws down the foot, KFC style, right in the direction of Cain’s corner (being sure to avoid his face, because even with chicken feet there are rules and certain protocols you must adhere to.)

Ever hear of throwing down the gauntlet? Think that times a thousand when you think of the chicken foot. It’s that serious.

I love Antonio Minotauro Nogueira and a case of extreme nostalgia overwhelmed me as I saw him get massacred while lying there lifeless and defenseless in the Octagon down under. All the memorable times from Pride I thought I was going to relive again in the UFC after he defeated Randy Couture were all robbed with that one left hook.

I respect Cain Velasquez, and probably would favor him against Junior due to his wrestling, but I’m not keeping it a secret as to who I’d root for in that matchup.

This is the only sport where you can “do the right thing” by subscribing to the Old Italian mentality of vendetta.

Remember when we were first teased with a battle of heavyweight prospects in Cain Velasquez versus Shane Carwin?

There was a lot of banter about whether Cain’s chin was resilient enough for a fighter with Carwin’s punching power. Then, suddenly, you hear Shane’s been awarded contender status as if he did in fact knockout Cain.

We lost that fight then, but I haven’t forgotten. While most others were distractedly drooling at the thought of two colossal titans in Brock Lesnar, and Shane Carwin colliding, I was holding a grudge.

That’s why Junior had to exploit that post climactic high after his knockout to get the fans to rally on his side; Dana may not crack under the arena pressure as he didn’t against Josh Koscheck’s brash attempt, but it could cause pervasive desire throughout the MMA community to see that fight realized.

If Cain got a chicken-foot thrown his way by Junior, it could send a seismic shift throughout the MMA community and get everyone clamoring: The Sensei-slayer must die.

The story line is so easy to sell, because it’s, well, true.

Not only does it sell well, but it makes sense to test your contenders in the same way they’ll be challenged by the Champion.

For Cain, there are questions of his whiskers. For Junior, it’s wondering how he’ll do against an experienced wrestler.

This is important because we know Brock Lesnar has cinder blocks in his fists and is a NCAA Div.I College Wrestling Champion.

Imagine if Dan Hardy was forced into facing Josh Koscheck and had his striking humanized by Josh’s wrestling, just as formerly feared Anthony Johnson fell victim to. Josh Koscheck would be doing Dana a favor by preventing him from throwing good promotional money after bad takedown defense.

In spite of whatever Dana says, Ed Soares needs to work his political magic, as he did when he requested two legitimate contenders, Nate Marquardt, and Dan Henderson, to swing it out for genuine contention.

If only Cain would have felt the wrath of encouragement ignited by a timely tossed chicken-foot, maybe we wouldn’t be having this discussion right now.

Now in all sincerity, all this chicken-foot silliness is probably more appropriate in Japanese pro wrestling than MMA (and even they may find it below them). It’s my absurd backwards counter to what I see as continually and shamefully cliché.

Even as WWE-eque as chicken-feet are, they still represent the real deal; the post-fight interview answers we hear from almost every MMA fighter, in comparison, actually seem as rehearsed and in line with their company’s narrative as their pro-wrestling counterparts.

To me those few seconds are some of the most unfulfilling of the night, sometimes even spoiling what was a scintillating moment. In reality it has the potential to send the crowd into a pandemonium whose far-reaching effects affect matchmaking.

Let’s stop the post-fight censorship. Let’s hear who they want, and why they want them. Who knows? What we hear may be more compelling than any storyline Zuffa has ever drawn up; even if it is disappointedly chicken-foot free.

Questions, comments? Email me at Bjorn.hansen@fiu.edu.