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By: Zak Lalonde, MMATorch Contributor Have you ever wondered what it would be like to be Dana White, even just for a day? Follow me boys and girls, as I take us down a journey in which I like to call, "what I would do if I were Dana White for a day" (very original title, I know).
We can only speculate how busy Dana is, and how incredibly hard it must be for him as he conducts his day to day operations. With that being said, let's not focus on the "small" tasks such as dealing with fighter egos, making deals with the devil to get his sport beloved and dealing with agents.
On a side note, how great would it be to listen to one of those calls from an agent to Dana White:
Agent: So Dana (agent owns the world right now, confidence is high and he’s trying to sound tough by standing up straight, shoulders and chin high and talking firmly), my client (insert name of any fighter not owning a belt here) is looking to get paid. Like they say, "money talks homey, don’t let my client get away."
Dana: Who the f**k am I talking to?
Agent: It’s me Jim ( agent is very nervous now. It’s never a good thing when you have to give your name). I represent (insert fighters name here)
Dana, while chuckling AND grinding his teeth at the same time: Right, listen Tim,
Agent: It’s Jim, not Tim.
Dana: Whatever. I’m about to get my 5:15 massage by three scantily dressed virgins and you’re really f**king up my aura. Make this quick before I get Billy Bob and Ray Ray to come over and make sure you never dial a phone again.
Agent, now sitting down with a heavy sweat dripping from his forehead, armpits and "fig leaf": Alright Mr. White, sorry about this. I, ah, realize you’re, um, really busy and all, gulp, but my fighter has won his last three, um, fights and really deserves a, um, ah, raise.
Dana, now undressing for his massage: Hey Kim,
Agent: It’s Jim, sir
Dana: Not anymore, KIM. You gotta be sh**ing me that you’re calling me about this. Tell your fighter that he’s f**king done. He’ll never work for this f**king organization again, and I’ll make sure he never f**king works in this business. Remember, Vegas is my f**ing town, bro. Nothing f**king happens here without me f**king knowing it! Whaddya f**king think of that, K-I-M???
Agent, now in tears, head in hands, shaking from the interaction: Um, please Mr. White, Sir, ah, don’t do this, please. My guy is just, um, joking. We’re more then, ah, pleased with (sniffling and blowing his nose) the contract. Please, gulp, forget this call ever, sob, happened.
Dana: F**K that Kim, you want your fighter to stick with me, then you’ll f**king send me a new contract that says your fighter has to come out to "It’s Raining Men" and wear pink f**king tights. Oh, and I wanna see the legal documents that says your new f**king name is Kim!
Agent, googling the closest mental health center: Yes sir Mr. White, sir. It’s always a pleasure to deal with you and this fine organization and I look forward to…
Dana, cutting off the agent, fully undressed now, with three scantily dressed virgins, as agreed upon in his contract with the devil: F**k you Kim, now don’t bother me with this s**t again…click
I could write an entire list of things that I’d do if I were Dana White, but I’m going to narrow it down to my top 5, with some honorable mentions thrown in as well.
1 – Sign Fedor. This really would be my top priority. The UFC has most of the best fighters in the world, but until Fedor signs with them, they’ll always have that missing link. Fedor not in the UFC would be like LeBron James playing in Europe; that’s just not supposed to happen. When people buy UFC PPVs, they want to know they’re watching the best fighters in the world, and they’re missing (*in my opinion*) the best in Fedor.
-In Addition: If Fedor does not want to sign with the UFC or can’t get out of his contract with Affliction, then I would buy Affliction, rename it Affection and make a line of T-shirts featuring Tom Atencio with a number of visible diseases such of Jaundice, Cold Sores and Scurvy.
Why would I do this? Well, I really like the part in "Batman Begins" when Bruce Wayne is out to dinner and his dates decide they want to play in the pool and the waiter informs Bruce Wayne that the his guests cannot swim in the pool because it’s not for swimming, and then Bruce Wayne turns around and says "I’m buying this hotel" and cuts a cheque…great stuff!
2 – Add a Super Heavy Weight division. I can’t believe that this has not been done yet, and watching Randy Couture go up against Brock Lesnar really emphasized the need for this. Think about it, the other divisions are 145 to 155, 156 to 170, 171 to 185 and 186 to 205. Most of those hover around 15-20 pound differences. Then, we jump to the heavy weight division and it’s 206 to 265. Is it just me, or is that ridiculous? I would make the heavy weight division from 206 to 250 and then have a super heavy weight division from 251 to 300 (if you can’t cut down to 300lbs, maybe you shouldn’t be fighting?).
-In Addition: When I create this super heavy weight division, I would immediately sign Josh Barnett and Tim Sylvia, and schedule a fight between them, with the winner getting a shot at Brock Lesnar.
3 – Add a Super Light Weight division. Since we’re adding one extreme, let’s add another. I would create a division for 144 and under, as some of the most exciting and technical fighters can be found in the lighter divisions.
-In Addition: When I create the super light weight division, I would immediately sign Miguel Torres, Urijah Faber, Jens Pulver and Mike Brown and create a tournament, with the winner being the champ.
4 – Create year long tournaments. The only things that I really miss about the Pride organization was their emphasis on entertainment and their tournaments. I loved the excitement and the buzz the tournaments created as well as the competition; who can ever forget the devastating body kicks that Mirko Cro Crop kept connecting (leaving disgusting bruises to the rib cage) on Wanderlei Silva that ultimately led to Silva dropping his arms to protect the body while the kick went to the head, ending the fight in spectacular fashion?
5 – I would make top contenders fight 5 rounds. A big advantage the champs have, especially long time belt holders, over the top contenders is that they’ve trained for 5 rounds. When you’re a contender, you train for 3 rounds for years, and then all of a sudden you get your shot against the champ and after three rounds, they’re still ready to go while you’re gassed.
Honorable mentions:
1 – I would create a women’s division, only because Gina Carano is hot and I’d want to see her fight.
2 – I would sign Kimbo Slice to a one fight contract and put him up against Rodrigo Mundruca or Lance Cartright (two of the best fighters you've probably never heard of. Look them up and ask yourself why the UFC has not yet signed these guys!). Rodrigo or Lance would completely own Kimbo and further destroy his myth.
3 – I would replace Mike Goldberg with a trained monkey, because I’m sure the monkey would add more insight to the fight then Goldie does.
4 – I would make Mario Yamasaki shave his mustache, because it’s absolutely ridiculous.
5 – I would sign Jason Mayhem Miller to long contract, so the North American fight fans could really see what they’re missing out on.
How did I do? Is there anything you’d like to do if you were Dana White for a day? Let me know,
zaklalonde@hotmail.com
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