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By: Jason Bent, MMATorch Contributor One thing that no one can argue is that the stars were out on Saturday night in Las Vegas!
Ok, if you consider David Spade and the guy who played “Fez” on “That 70’s Show” to be worthy of the red carpet treatment. Yes, I know that the actor I speak of is Wilmer Valderrama but for the rest of my days I can guarantee that Dustin Diamond will always be “Screech”, Bronson Pinchot will always be “Balki” and no matter how many starlets or pop singers that he bangs, Wilmer Valderrama will always be “Fez”.
Speaking of pop starlets who have been “banged by Fez”, Mandy Moore was in the audience as well and the camera seemed to be constantly on her as if those of us at home even cared she attended. I personally would have rather seen the usual UFC crowd camera shots of Kevin James battling Michael Clarke Duncan over the last hot dog and some of Chuck Zito’s incessant mugging before being subjected to 20 shots of the girl who starred in ‘License to Wed’. Mandy Moore just annoys me beyond belief, and you’d have to go back to season one of TUF with Willa Ford hosting to find another has-been pop diva who irks me in such a way. To put it mildly I think I want to see Mandy Moore on television as much as Barack Obama wishes to have his daughters interviewed by Howard Stern or Opie and Anthony.
Which brings me to a celebrity who appeared on camera each time Mandy Moore was shown, although not once did Joe Rogan acknowledge his presence. I am talking about Jim Norton, comedian, actor, whoremonger and self described “silly ass.“ Jim Norton is a part of Opie and Anthony’s radio show and famously was busted along with Lewis Black in the “Voyeur Bus” incident from a few years back. To those who do not know, the “Voyeur Bus” was a transparent bus filled with naked teen women and comics which drove through Manhattan to much attention. Norton also co-starred in the short-lived HBO series, ‘Lucky Louie’ and has had several standup specials on the network as well with his most recent being ‘Monster Rain’ from October. So to put it mildly it served to make me laugh to see Jim Norton’s smiling visage appearing directly behind Mandy Moore in each and every camera shot. Here is the wholesome girl who probably would not even fart in mixed company and over her shoulder is the guy who embodies cringe humor. I would have paid handsomely to have heard Joe Rogan shout, “Monster Rain!” and followed that up with a request for Mike Goldberg to join him underneath a nearby porch in order to seek shelter from the storm. Of course while I jest about Joe Rogan shouting out “Monster Rain!” on a UFC broadcast; what he DID utter absolutely blew my mind and made the evening even more surreal.
When describing the cut that Josh Koscheck opened up on Chris Lytle Rogan described the cut itself as looking like a “goat’s vagina”.
A goat’s vagina.
I can’t make this stuff up and this isn’t necessarily something that will help the UFC come off as more of a mainstream product. Dana White has often mentioned the UFC in the same breath as the NFL but I can tell you that I have never heard John Madden use the term “goat’s vagina” during an NFL broadcast. Can you imagine if Madden were to use the term? Perhaps LaDainian Tomlinson hits a rather large hole that his offensive linemen have opened up and sprints for a touchdown and Madden describes the hole as being similar to a “goat’s vagina” or perhaps compares it to an “elephant’s anus”; it would shock many and make all of Chris Berman’s stupid nicknames appear to be something crafted by a child in comparison to John “Dice” Madden’s colorful terms and adjectives.
I don’t think “goat’s vagina” is going to take off and I have to believe that after Rogan saw “Fez” and David Spade he wondered if perhaps he would be hosting a celebrity version of ‘Fear Factor’ after the event and that this new item would be replacing the buffalo testicles that previous contestants have eaten.
The herd of celebrities in attendance even included magician Criss Angel who was seated next to Godsmack’s Sully Erna. In my opinion it was Sully who pulled off the trick of the night as he was able to make Angel appear cool by simply being near him. I have to give credit to Rogan for pointing out Sully and giving him a moment when it appeared no one else knew who he was. Admittedly I do feel that Criss Angel is skilled when it comes to pulling off illusions but he could not look any more pretentious if he tried. The guy looks like he walked into a Hot Topic and took one of everything and perhaps disappeared into thin air without paying for any of it. I do think Criss Angel comes off as less of a d-bag than David Copperfield but when it comes to magicians, my list begins and ends with Penn & Teller. You know, if I actually sat and tried to make a list of magicians or something.
Aside from the celebrities, there were also plenty of UFC fighters and non-UFC fighters in the house, including such notables as BJ Penn, Chuck Liddell, TUF contestants Matt Riddle and Matt Brown, as well as former UFC and current Pro Elite fighter Phil Baroni.
I heard Kimbo Slice was at the event as well but spent the night fighting tourists in the parking lot for their casino winnings. Ok, so this isn’t true but I guarantee if you put this idea before Gary Shaw that he would at least think twice about it.
UFC 86 came and went and was a stunning card and brought us such wonderful things as Jim Norton behind Mandy Moore, the wonder that is “Fez” and before I say “buh-bye,” a look at David Spade. All combined to make this an unforgettable evening of UFC fights with plenty of forgettable celebrities in attendance.
Chris Lytle’s cut may have indeed looked similar to a “goat’s vagina”, but the crowd I saw at home looked more like a casting call for the next edition of VH1’s “Best Week Ever”.
The real star of the night was Forrest Griffin, and forget all of the television actors in attendance, because Forrest Griffin’s next fight is must-see TV.
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