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UFC 141/"FIGHT FOR JAPAN" NYE: Rich Hansen's 14.5 Hour Running Commentary of UFC PPV and NYE event in Japan on HDNET
Dec 31, 2011 - 9:01:00 AM UFC 141/"FIGHT FOR JAPAN" NYE: Rich Hansen's 14.5 Hour Running Commentary of UFC PPV and NYE event in Japan on HDNET

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By Rich Hansen, MMA Torch Columnist:


INTRODUCTION

As you all know by now, UFC 141 is finally upon us. Come Friday night, Brock Lesnar versus Alistair Overeem will have come and gone. And just like we do at the end of every UFC PPV, we’ll be sitting back with our fifth gin and tonic of the evening wondering to ourselves, “What this night really needs is a mere nine more hours of MMA, kickboxing, and professional wrestling in front of a Japanese audience.” But of course, since this is New Year’s Eve, such a thought can only be considered a whimsical flight of fancy.

Oh wait. Let me correct that. Since UFC 141 is Friday December 30 in the States, that means when it goes off the air at 1 AM on the east coast, we will in fact be treated to nine hours of Japanese MMA, kickboxing, and professional wrestling. And in my world, that means we’re looking at approximately 14 straight hours of combat sports. And I will be writing up my thoughts on all of the action.

On Friday night and Saturday morning, I will be writing up my thoughts on both UFC 141 and Fight For Japan: Genki Desu Ka Omisoka 2011. Jamie Penick will be providing his usual excellent round by round report for the entire eleven fight UFC 141 card. In addition to MMA Torch’s usual live event coverage and immediate post fight analysis, I’ll be offering up my thoughts in real time on not only each of the eleven UFC 141 bouts, but also for the entire seventeen fight Fight For Japan: Genki Desu Ka Omisoka 2011 card (heretofore referred to as anything BUT ‘Fight For Japan: Genki Desu Ka Omisoka 2011,’ because that’s just too damn hard to type over and over again.

Since Jamie Penick already presents fantastic blow by blow live event coverage, I won’t try to duplicate what he provides to you. I’ll offer my own insights and commentary to the fights, the announcers, the coverage, the morons who chant USA during a fight between a Canadian and a South Korean, the morons in my basement who drink all of my really good gin, and anything else that comes to mind during fourteen-plus hours of overnight MMA, kickboxing, and Japanese-style professional wrestling.

I’ll be updating this post come Friday night when the UFC prelims being. I’ll also be tweeting throughout the evening, night, overnight, dawn, and morning @MMATorchRich. Feel free to interact with me throughout the marathon. Lord knows I’ll need more than gin, caffeine, and Michael Schiavello’s energy to keep me sane.


FULL FIGHT LISTING

UFC 141: Lesnar vs. Overeem

Friday December 30, 2011
MGM Grand Garden Arena
Las Vegas, Nevada
Airing on PPV

PRELIMINARY CARD Facebook

* Dong Hyun Kim vs. Sean Pierson
- Kim by Unanimous decision
* Jacob Volkmann vs. Efrain Escudero
- Volkmann by Unanimous decision
* Manvel Gamburyan vs. Diego Nunes (#8 ranked Featherweight)
- Nunes by Unanimous decision


PRELIMINARY CARD Spike

* Danny Castillo vs. Anthony Njokuani
- Castillo by Split decision
* Junior Assuncao vs. Ross Pearson
- Pearson by Unanimous decision


MAIN CARD PPV

* Nam Phan vs. Jimy Hettes
- Hettes by Unanimous decision
* Vladimir Matyushenko vs. Alexander Gustafsson
- Gustafsson by first round TKO
* Jon Fitch (#3 Ranked Welterweight) vs. Johny Hendricks
- Hendricks by first round KO
* Donald Cerrone vs. Nate Diaz
- Diaz by Unanimous decision
* Brock Lesnar (#4 Ranked Heavyweight) vs Alistair Overeem (#3 Ranked Heavyweight)
- Overeem by first round TKO


Fight For Japan: Genki Desu Ka Omisoko 2011
Saturday December 31
Saitama Super Arena
Saitama, Saitama, Japan
Airing on HDNet


* Yusup Saadulaev vs. Hideo Tokoro (Bantamweight Grand Prix Reserve Fight)
- Saadulaev by first round KO
* Antonio Banuelos vs. Masakazu Imanari (Bantamweight Grand Prix Semifinal)
- Banuelos by Split Decision
* Rodolfo Marques Diniz vs. Bibiano Fernandes (Bantamweight Grand Prix Semifinal)
- Fernandes by Unanimous Decision
* Masaaki Noiri vs. Kengo Sonoda (K-1 Bout)
- Noiri by Unanimous Decision
* Yuta Kubo vs. Nils Widlund (K-1 Bout)
- Kubo by third round KO
* Ryo Chonan vs. Hayato Sakurai (DREAM Rules)
- Sakurai by Unanimous Decision
* Tatsuya Kawajiri vs. Kazuyuki Miyata (DREAM Rules)
- Kawajiri by second round Submission
* Megumi Fujii vs. Karla Benitez (DREAM Rules)
- Fujii by first round submission
* Josh Barnett vs. Hideki Suzuki (IGF Pro Wrestling Bout)
- Barnett by Booker's Decision
* Yuichiro Nagashima vs. Katsunori Kikuno (Dream/K-1 Mixed Rules Bout)
- Kikuno by second round TKO
* Antonio Banuelos vs. Bibiano Fernandes (Bantamweight Grand Prix Final Bout)
- Fernandes by first round TKO
* Tim Sylvia vs. Jerome LeBanner (IGF Pro Wrestling Bout)
- LeBanner by Booker's Decision
* Kazuyuki Fujita vs. Peter Aerts (IGF Pro Wrestling Bout)
- Fujita by Booker's Decision
* Atsushi Sawada and Shinichi Suzukawa vs. Kazushi Sakuraba and Katsuyori Shibata (IGF Pro Wrestling Bout)
- I think Sakuraba's team won, but, you know, c'mon.
* Hiroyuki Takaya vs. Takeshi Inoue (for Dream Featherweight Championship)
- Takaya by Unanimous Decision
* Shinya Aoki (#5 ranked Lightweight) vs. Satoru Kitaoka (for Dream Lightweight Championship)
- Aoki by Unanimous Decision
* Satoshi Ishii vs. Fedor Emelianenko
- Emelianenko by first round KO

RUNNING COMMENTARY All times Central

5:18 PM - So, the plan was working just fine. I went to bed at 11:30 or so, and woke up about 4:15 AM. I stayed awake until 9:00 AM, with the intention of sleeping 8 hours, and then using the time from 5:00 - 6:00 to get the basement ready for company, get the laptop connected for the Facebook stream, etc.

And then at noon the baby pooped through her diaper, down her leg, and tracked it all over the living room and kitchen. Which in and of itself wouldn't wake me up, but the baby crying and the wife beckoning for help did.

So I've been up since noon, instead of getting up at 5 like I had planned. Uh oh. I'm too old to easily do 21 hours, including an overnight, without any struggle. So I've got an entire case of Mountain Dew in the fridge, and we'll worry about getting my blood sugar level back to normal tomorrow afternoon.

5:58 PM - Riddle vs. Ramos is off, due to Riddle being ill. The Facebook stream is scheduled to begin at 6:30 PM Central. We're down to 27 fights tonight, which hardly seems worth covering anymore...

6:30 PM - The stream has begun. Gamburyan vs. Nunes is the first fight. In case you're wondering why the featherweight division isn't catching on yet, the UFC is programming you to not care by using a great featherweight fight to be the curtain jerker.

6:40 PM - Manny really needs a win here. He's not as WAR as Dan Hardy, so 3 losses in a row will send him to MFC.

6:41 PM - Then again, is anyone really as WAR as Dan Hardy? Didn't think so.

6:42 PM - It's always jarring to see how much smaller Manny is than his opponents at 145, then I remember him against lightweight opponents.

6:43 PM - Nunes is using his kicks to really keep Gamburyan on the outside, and Gamburyan doesn't want to be on the outside against Nunes. First round is over. 10-9 Nunes, I guess. The action to contact ratio is lower than I might like. It's not Leonard Garcia-esque or anything, of course.

6:49 PM - Gamburyan landed a big right and staggered Nunes. Tried to take his back, but Nunes used the cage to his advantage. this is a fun fight so far. Joe Rogan is again speculating about a fighter injury (that didn't take long), indicating that Gamburyan might have broken his hand because he isn't closing it or punching with it. Rogan's right about half the time on those, so it's worth keeping in mind.

6:51 PM - 19-19. Nice fight so far. Not enough Brittney Palmer sightings, though, but really how much is ever enough, am I right?

6:58 PM - 29-28 Nunes in my world. Very good fight. Both guys had a good 3rd round, but the kicks Nunes landed were really effective. Since I see it 29-28 Nunes, I predict it will be 30-21 Gamburyan.

7:00 PM - Uncle Dana must've liked the fight, as Diego's getting interviewed despite speaking Portuguese and winning a decision on a Facebook stream. Nunes gave a nice interview in Portuguese. Well, Ed Soares gave a nice translation, at least. Oh, and it was 29-28 Nunes across the board. Score one for the judges.

7:01 PM - I am unsure which drinking game to play. Do a shot every time the judges get a close fight right, or every time they mess up an easy decision.

7:05 PM - Volkmann vs. Escudero is next. I promise to not make any jokes about Christmas, nor any about Obama.

7:08 PM - Volkmann comes out to TNT by AC/DC (I know it's properly spelled as 'AC LIGHTNINGBOLT DC' but I don't have a LIGHTNINGBOLT on my QWERTY keyboard. Deal.

7:11 PM - Volkmann has no tattoos, a buzz cut, and chest hair that isn't shaved into an arrow. WTF? In an unrelated note, Escudero went for a guillotine. Oops. Volkmann on top.

7:13 PM - So, um, y'all remember that failed guillotine I mentioned? The one that put Escudero on his back against Volkmann? Well, the crowd started booing 98 seconds later. I'll let you use your imagination. And yes, I know that you're reading my commentary so that you don't have to use your imagination.

7:16 PM - Interesting conspiracy theory. Have you ever seen Jacob Volkmann and a blanket in the same room together? I know that personally I have not.

7:20 PM - Volkmann is slaughtering Escudero here. Even after getting stood up for inactivity, he just took Escudero down again and horsetied him. 20-18. Could be 20-17, but there was next to no damage. Well, there was damage to the casual fanbase, of course.

7:25 PM - To be clear, Volkmann is technically superior, and is a real joy to watch, if you're a grappling geek. I've never grappled, but I love watching the masters. BTW: Bad standup by Herb Dean.

7:27 PM - And with a minute left Escudero hit a north south choke and turned it into a power guillotine. Volkmann escaped, but good on him for finding it. 29-28 Volkmann, because that last minute was the only time this fight was close to being finished.

7:30 PM - Volkmann 29-28 across the board. So, um, Volkmann called out Frankie Edgar. In unrelated news, Matt Pelkey asked Kate Beckinsale for a date. He then told a funny. about slicing Obama's torso open so that he'd be able to put his head up his ass or something or whatever.

7:32 PM - So, Lentz versus Volkmann, loser gets sent packing since there's only room for one Minnesota grappleBleeper per division?

7:35 PM - Pierson vs. Kim. Kim should win handily, but the line of -370 is outrageous. Pierson is a live dog here.

7:42 PM - Nice grappling exchange in the last minute of the first. Kim judo tossed himself into giving up his back. Oops.

7:47 PM - The level of striking from these guys is very low. I hope neither Kim nor Pierson decide to use the lure of boxing as a renegotiation ploy.

7:49 PM - Oh, decent fight by the way. 20-18 Kim, he's tried for about 42 Lyoto Machida crane kicks, and landed one with 15 seconds left in the second round. Pierson was saved by the bell, along with Screech and AC Slater. Sorry. I mean AC LIGHTNINGBOLT Slater, naturally.

8:04 PM - Kim won 30-27 across the board. Missed the third round as the basement is tarting to fill with people. OK, 1 guys showed up, but I had to get ice, and rum, and food.

8:10 PM - Castillo vs. Njokuani is up now. Castillo's dominating the first round by getting in and using his superior grappling. I thought the line on this fight was ass backwards (Castillo -167, Njokuani +151), but if Castillo's going to win, this is how. First round goes to Castillo, but each round starts standing, as we all know.

8:15 PM - Round 2, Njokuani was doing OK, then threw a flying knee, and was very lucky to not wind up on his backside. There should be a rule, if you're fighting Danny Castillo and aren't a good wrestler, don't fricking throw flying knees. Instead, grab a muay thai plum an dknee him in the body. Oh, you did? Good job, sir.

8:18 PM - Time for a plug. Buona Beef in Chicago is bloody awesome. Thanks to them for providing the spread for tonight. www.buona.com (copy and paste it, fools, I don't feel like coding the link). Oh, and 19-19, I guess. Njokuani got hot, and then got planted.

8:26 PM - Njokuani keeps kicking, Castillo keeps taking him down. I'm glad it was only fake money I put on him...

8:29 PM - 29-28 Castillo, 29-28 Njokuani, 29-28 Castillo. Split. They got it right, well, 2 of them did. Blechh. Time to bust out the gin and tonic.

8:36 PM - Yeah, I wanna see Haywire. Sue me.

8:40 PM - Pearson looks like he's at the right weight class. That said, there've been a lot of steaming turd fights this evening. Fortunately, with 22.7 fights remaining, some of them are bound to be full of WAR and WIN and other MMA cliches.

8:45 PM - That was definitely a 10-9 round. Please don't ask me for more than that. Thanks.

8:48 PM - Oh goody, now we're at the part of the show where we press someone against the fence. While important, it's very taxing to watch. Fortunately, there's the Brock Lesnar guy who's going to WAR with this Alistair Overeem guy (who loves fighting so much he's not gonna get paid), so that should cover a few pimples that have cropped up so far tonight.

8:53 PM - The second round was an improvement, despite my dismissive snottiness. Hey, that's what I do. Anyhow, Pearson gained some momentum with a nice left jab halfway through the second. He's up 20-18 in my little snotty universe. round 3 though, he got taken down and gave up his back. Got back up, but Assuncao is making the fight ugly. Probably too little too late if he doesn't get a submission, although a case could be made for Assuncao winning the first. I smell yet another decision.

8:54 PM - Oh, and Pearson is being very aggressive whenever he gets the Assuncao velcro off of his leg. And yeah, Pearson stole the round. Not with the takedown, but with the punchy punchy thing that we like so much to watch.

8:58 PM - So, I hear that the XBox thing is a total clusterf*ck. Can't say I'm surprised, as when does ANY product launch ever go smoothly. As for refunds, they'll be issued as soon as the UFC atones for the Anderson Silva Abu Dhabi debacle.

9:02 PM - Yes, I'm the guy who will miss the PPV gladiator if they do in fact get rid of him.

9:03 PM - I cannot believe I have failed to tell you how much I'm looking forward to Donald Cerrone following through with his threat to get in Nate Diaz' ass. Win or lose, it'll be worth $55 to see him try. Or vice versa, whatever, just get it on already!

9:09 PM - Will someone please sell Jimy Hettes one more m. Thank you.

9:12 PM - Nam Phan has yet to come to the ring, but he's already won the battle of walk out music. I hate reggae.

9:13 PM - Stat of the night. Well, stat of the second since it's not a great stat, Nam Phan is 5-7 in his last 12 fights. Carry on.

9:18 PM - Will someone please tell Herb Dean that 42 punches ot the back of the head are 42 violations. Hettes looks really good so far. He also looks very 16, like he's Dan Downes' slightly older brother.

9:21 PM - Easy 10-8 round for Hettes. That was fun to watch. I love watching great grapplers go berserker.

9:25 PM - Hettes is flypaper. Whenever he throws Phan to the canvas, he always lands in a dominant position. His body control is out of this world (against Nam Phan).

9:29 PM - This is a 20-17 fight so far. Since I doubt Phan is going to get 2 judges to award him a 10-6 third round, methinks he needeth to finisheth.

9:31 PM - Oh god. My bottle of tonic water is flat. I'm gonna have to drink gin and juice for the next 11 hours. OK, things could be worse. I could be 5-8 in my last 13 fights unless two judges give me 10-6 rounds while getting battered.

9:35 PM - Let's remember that Jimy Hettes' w UFC victories, both slaughters mind you, are against Bruce Leroy and Nam Phan who is 5-8 in his last 13 fights. That said, I love this guy.

9:37 PM - Brock Lesnar feels like a new man. Again. Oh, and Hettes won 30-25 x2, 30-26.

9:42 PM - gustafsson walked to the cage with Rocky music in the background. Not the theme everyone knows (cliche), not Eye of the Tiger (meh), but the training montage music from Rocky IV where Drago injects steroids and Rocky lifts big heavy Siberian things. FTW indeed, Mr. Mauler.

9:46 PM - 1 minute in, 1 strike landed. I expect Gustafsson to start out a little slow, and eat Matyushenko's soul half way through round 2.

9:47 PM - Goldy: Long and lean is the 24 year old Swede. That almost rhymed. WOO!

9:47 and 1 second PM - And it's all over 2:13 into round one. This proves that Jon Jones is better than Alexander Gustafsson, because Jones finished Matyushenko in 1:52. So let's stop the Gustafsson is the next legit challenger talk already.

9:48 PM - Quoting Gustafsson, to Rogan: "Feerden Heerden schveerden beerden meerden ooo wop wop wop."

9:55 PM - Hendricks just jammed his entire wrist up his nostrils. Gross.

9:56 PM - For someone who doesn't get title shots due to his lack of showmanship, Jon Fitch always manages to enter the cage as that exact same part of his walkout song kicks in. go figure.

9:57 PM - The bearded wrestler is going to win. I made a funny. It ewas lame. It was STILL 10x superior to Volkmann's Obama joke.

9:58 PM - So, when Jon Fitch wins this will he get the first interim title shot against oh never mind he just got knocked out 12 seconds in.

10:01 PM - Yep. that happened. 1,000,000 parlays just got F*******************CKED UP! (*=U, btw)

10:05 PM - Smoke em if you got em. Replaying the Pierson - Kim fight that went to decision. It's safe because there's no chance of the main event going 25 minutes.

10:10 PM - So let's recap. Every fight that you could watch for free sucked eggs. The fights you had to pay for rocked the casbah.

I have no tonic, so I'm drinking gin and juice, which is bad because I'm destined to drink WAY too much gin tonight. I know, I know, like there is such a thing as too much gin.

10:30 PM - Cerrone. YAY! Kid Rock for 4 minutes, fricking BOO!!!

10:35 PM - I think Cerrone takes this convincingly. It'll be tough, but I remember how rory MacDonald manhandled Nate, and that scares me, for Nate's sake.

10:38 PM - Well, that answeres that question. Nate is in Cerrone's head. Instead of touching gloves Cerrone gave him the bird. At the bell, Cerrone charged in like a pissed off Mark Hominick in Toronto. Nate didn't do much with it, but it's clear Nate is in his head. Both of these guys are going to throw leather tonight! Everything Nate throws has landed so far.

10:39 PM - Now Cerrone is passive as hell. Strange performance in the first three minutes by Cerrone. Everything Nate throws is finding a home on Cerrone's head. Cerrone's breathing through his mouth, either an injured jaw or he's gassing. Rogan thinks his jaw may be broken.

10:41 PM - that first round was damn near a 10-8, just from the boxing. Second round, Cerrone's landing kicks. Knocked Diaz down twice with leg kicks (one was a sweep). Seconds round is Cerrone's, two minutes in.

10:46 PM - Round 2 might be the best round of the year. No killshots, but these guys are swinging like crazy. I love this fight. I mean, one more round like that and we have a late candidate for third best fight of the year (behind Hendo - Shogun and Maynard - Edgar 2 on 1/1/11).

10:47 PM - 19-18 Diaz, going to the third.

10:55 PM - 30-27 x2, 29-28 Nate. No 10-8s awarded for the first round. That wasn't the best fight of the year, but it was fantastic fun nonetheless. Sloppy as hell, and missed any ground element whatsoever. Whenever Diaz got knocked down by the leg kicks or sweeps, Cerrone flat out refused to follow him down. Now, I wouldn't want to jump into a Diaz brother's guard either...

10:56 PM - That was a fun fight, which completely lived up to expectations.

11:05 PM - Oh my God. I am about to watch Alistair Overeem get into a cage fight with Brock Lesnar. I need to reflect on that.

And pee.

11:14 PM - I'll be back when this is over. You want better coverage, Jamie Penick is down the hall. I'm not missing ANY of this fight!

11:32 PM - Alistair Overeem just retired Brock Lesnar. The end came when Overeem landed a liver kick which knocked Lesnar down. Overeem followed him down and punched him out, with the finish coming at 2:26 of round number one. On at least three occasions I shouted, "IT'S OVER," after Overeem landed hellacious knees, only to have Brock Lesnar continue forward, making me look like a bad pro wrestling announcer who prematurely calls a fight before the victim kicks out.

Overeem dominated Lesnar. Lesnar shot once, and got stuffed. Overeem is a golden god, simple as that. After Overeem thanked the fans and blah blah blahed with Joe Rogan, Lesnar told the world that he was done with MMA. He was gracious as all get out (I won't say classy, because Goldy would send his goons to teep me to death if I stole his thing), and then announced that he was officially done. As soon as he said that, I announced to my gathering here that he'd be back as soon as Uncle Dana renegotiated. Lesnar then announced that he promised his wife that either this fight, or a title fight with Junior dos Santos would be his final fight, and that's when I (as a married man) knew that we've seen him fight for the last time.

Unless you consider appearing in the WWE to be fighting...

11:45 PM - Back at midnight. 10 fights down, 17 to go. I have half a bottle of gin, 32 ounces of OJ, and a case of Dew. Things is gonna get a wee bit squirrelly...

12:00 AM (Dec. 31) - We are LIVE from the Saitama Super Arena. Michael Schiavello, Mike Kogan, and Hans Thompson are commentating, which means no Trigg. That's too bad; I like Trigg and Schiavello, even though I could never tell if Trigg really wanted to beat up Schiavello or if it was 100% gimmick.

Now, with this being a Japanese event on HDNet, there's going to be 20 minutes of talk and intro before we get to our first fight. And since there's not going to be any playful(?) banter with Trigg, there might not be as much for me to snark on. Which means I might be pushing the blood sugar to dangerous levels with all the Dew I'm gonna be pounding at 5:00 AM or so.

12:30 AM - The grand entrance is over, and we're into the first fighter video now. These videos are copulating awesome. They're narrated in Japanese, with Japanese subtitles, for all of the Japanese fight fans in attendance I guess? The videos are always way too long, and are set to copulating awesome music. My #1 regret watching a Dream show is that I can't buy the music.

Anyhow, the first fight is going to be the resetrve fight to the bantamweight tournament. The semi-finals and finals are going to be held tonight, and if one of those winners cannot continue into the finals, the winner of this fight between Hideo Tokoro and Yusup Saadulaev will advance.

12:35 AM - Tokoro's listed nickname is 'Adversity Fighter.' I love Japan. Take that 'J-Lau,' 'KenFlo,' and 'Kos.'

12:36 AM - Yusup Saadulaev suplexed Tokoro, Tokoro landed on his skull, and he fell asleep. He's been out for several minutes, and they're stretchering him out. I feared this was really, really bad, but once they got him on the backboard he was able to wave his arms. Thank goodness for that.

12:44 AM - Banuelos vs. Imanari is up next. Banuelos is coming out to Iron Maiden.

12:47 AM - I love that Imanari is coming out to No Ordinary Love by Sade, and Lenne Hardt is copulating KILLING IT by whispering Imanari's introduction. Damn!

12:50 AM - Look, I love the UFC. I'm a fanboy and I don't care. I'll criticize when warranted, but if you love MMA you have to love the UFC. That said, I love Japanese MMA because every fight in Japan is different. Every single UFC fighter fights like every other UFC fighter, and every UFC fight looks at least similar to every other UFC fight. But most fights in Japan just look different. Awkward styles, unique stances, moves you don't see every day, so on so forth, sentence fragment.

12:58 AM - the spectacle trumps the sport in Japan. Always has, always will. That said, Banuelos took the 1st round, but that's not really that important, if that makes any sense.

1:02 AM - Mike Kogan: "Antonio Banuelos is as Mexican as me. He listens to Cure and doesn't even know how to cut grass." Oh my, I miss Trigg. Also, Banuelos won by split. That is was a split and not a UD was a nationalistic gift to Imanari.

1:03 AM - HDNet is advertising their kitschy bikini shows. Meh.

1:05 AM - Rodolfo Marques Diniz vs. Bibiano Fernandes is next. Now THIS is a fight to which fight fans everywhere should sit up and pay attention. Fernandes should sin this fight, but either guy should be a heavy favourite over Banuelos. I've never seen Rodolfo Marques Diniz fight, and haven't seen Bibiano Fernandes at 135, so this is double win for me.

Also, I like Bruce Buffer, and I love Joe Martinez, but for the love of god, please Uncle Dana hire Lenne Hardt already!

1:15 AM - Fernandes vs. Marques is about to begin.

1:20 AM - After eating a few hard leg kicks, Fernandes spent most of the first beating up Marques in the corner. Well done by Bibi.

1:22 AM - The dog just realized that I have been wiping Cheeto guts off of my fingers onto my socks, so she's desperately trying to lick my sock without me noticing.

1:28 AM - Fernandes won the fight. You didn't miss much.

1:36 AM - The originally posted fight order listed the Fujii - Benitez fight to be next, but it's actually the kickboxing fight between Masaaki Noiri vs. Kengo Sonoda. Had I been able to hook up with Dave Walsh from liverkick.com this week I would have been able to tell you anything about either of these guys. but, I didn't, so, I can't. Points to me for honesty, right?

By the way, shout out to www.liverkick.com If you're reading this, you have at least a passing interest in K1, Japanese MMA, or both. So once you're done here, and once you click through all the ads, please visit Dave's site.

Anyhoooo, one of these dudes is 20, one is 18. One of them has like 42 ounces of petroleum jelly on their face (I could've said Vaseline, but I only pimp out Dave Walsh at 1:33 AM, thankyouverymuch).

1:42 AM - Rian Scalia from liverkick.com reports the following when I asked him on Twitter about Noiri and Sonoda: "Well Masaaki Noiri is AWESOME." that's right, you heard it hear first. Well, second. Masaaki Noiri is awesome. He also came in at number 3 on the LiverKickdot.com KO off the year awards. And he also won the first round of this fight.

1:46 AM - These little copulators can kick. Jeezy Creezy!

1:51 AM - Noiri by UD. It was fun, but it's not like it was memorable or anything.

1:55 AM - We're more than halfway home. 14 fights down, 13 to go. More than 7 hours in, and I haven't had to kill it on the caffeine yet. Up next is the highly anticipated (?) Yuta Kubo vs. Nils Widlund K-1 Bout. I'll ask Scalia about these dudes too.

2:00 AM - I already like Widlund. He's dancing to the cage to some music that even Mayhem Miller would consider over the top, and he's a san shou fighter. And I didn't need no stinking Rian Scalia to get that information.

That said, it appears this fight was put together to make Kubo look good. From Schiavello's Twitter: "Yuta Kubo is the (feces)! So excited to see him again. Good luck Nils, nice dude, but Kubo is a machine"

So now I like the Swedish dude because everyone loves the underdog, right? Who's with me?

2:08 AM - So, um, yeah. Kubo is really good. This fight is much more entertaining than the last fight, because even a casual like myself can easily detect the genius at work here. Widlund is game, and will gladly go out on his shield if it comes to that. I'm a fan of both.

2:10 AM - Kubo has more kick than a can-can dancer. About time we get a Schiavelloism (is that a word?).

2:13 AM - It took more than 2 hours, but we finally got a finish and A BIG KAIBOSH. Kubo won with a beautiful head kick KO.

2:22 AM - time for a lengthy intermission. They are going to air the entire Super Hluk tournament final, Minowaman versus Sokoudjou. I'll be back after I mainline some Vivarin.

Live fights resume at the top of the hour.

3:06 AM - We're back, with Sakurai vs. Ryo Chonan up next. Will be interesting to see what Sakurai has left. He hasn't won a fight since beating up an outmuscled Shinya Aoki in April of 2009. Four straight losses since that fight, needless to say he needs this win something fierce.

3:10 AM - My goal in life is to attend a Japanese NYE show. No one would argue that college football is better football than pro football, but a lot of people prefer it because of the spectacle of the event. The spectacle that is missing from UFC events (and I love UFC events is something that I just know I need to see, and feel, live and in person in order to be able to die in peace.

Let's put it this way. If Sakurai vs. Chonan were going to go down on Showtime next week, or on FX the following week, I wouldn't give two squirts. I'd watch, but that would be the end of it. But put it on NYE in Japan, and I'm copulating stoked. And I guess if you don't understand that, either you'll never get it, or I just can't explain it well (which is very possible, of course).

Sakurai is -180, Chonan +150.

3:20 AM - Well, that was uninteresting. Sakurai won the first, but it was Aaron-Rowand-like grindy. Nothing like a six year old obscure local baseball reference to lure in an international audience, eh?

3:24 AM - This fight is tedious. Sakurai is clearly better, but he's content to grind it out. There's that word again.

3:33 AM - Round 3 was fun. Both guys found their range, and Chonan was able to land a lot. Eventually Sakurai mounted Chonan, then took his back, then mounted him once again as the fight ended. Sakurai wins the rematch, clearly. That said, his face got jacked up wicked bad. He's hiding an entire iPod under his left eye.

Up next will be Tatsuya Kawajiri vs. Kazuyuki Miyata. This should be great. JINX!

3:47 AM - I love Kawajiri, and so do you. And if you don't, you actually do and just don't realize it.

3:52 AM - Kawajiri spent pretty much the entire round in mount, and locked in a decent arm triangle for the last 40 seconds or so.

4:00 AM - Round 2 was a back and forth affair, but it ended much as round 1 ended, with Miyata stuck in a Kawajiri arm triangle choke. This time, Miyata choked with 5 seconds left in the round. Kawajiri crushed Miyata, plain and simple.

4:03 AM - Next is Megumi Fujii vs. Karla Benitez (DREAM Rules). Fujii is somewhere between -1750 to -2000 to win. These are fights that athletic commissions in the US look down their noses at, if ever so slightly.

4:16 AM - Well, that was quick. Fujii by armbar about 2 minutes in. See, and had I $2000 to bet, I would have made an easy hundo.

4:25 AM - Josh Barnett vs. Hideki Suzuki is up next. That's right, it's time for professional wrestling. I'm definitely NOT a fan of American pro wrestling, but I am curious about how they do it in Japan. I'm curious if my perceived understanding of it is at all similar to the reality.

4:28 AM - I'm skeptical of Schiavello talking about how 'anything can happen' and things of the such, being a pro wrestling hater like I am. So far, it's a lot of slow motion rolling leg locks that neither guy is pulling on very hard. OK, I gave it 5 minutes this sucks. Either I'm going to really start hitting the gin, or I'm going to be pumping the caffeine, because watching this isn't going to do anything for me.

4:33 AM - For the sake of journalistic integrity (HAH), I'm confining my most vitriolic thoughts on this farce to Twitter.

4:39 AM - The worst part is that Schiavello, Kogan, and Thompson playing it straight. I want to drink enough to forget this, but chug enough Dew to stay awake. I wonder what gin and Dew tastes like together. I wonder if it's any good if I should name it a Gindew, or a Dewgin. Probably a Gindew, because if I call it a Dewgin people might pronounce it like Dugan than Dew-Gin. Therese are the things that keep me up at night... Too much insight, eh?

4:44 AM - I know I'm supposed to get all up in arms about Barnett and hate him because of the steroids and all, but I just can't do it. I like the guy. He's smart, and he gets it. Proof? He addressed the audience in Japanese. That's called going the extra mile. That said, I don't need to see any more Japanese pro wrestling, unless JLB shoots on Timmeh.

4:47 AM - Intermission, followed by Yuichiro Nagashima vs. Katsunori Kikuno (Dream/K-1 Mixed Rules Bout). At least this intermission will be better than the first intermission. First up, Overeem versus Duffee. That will fill about 19 seconds of the intermission. Overeem was only -450. Easy money.

4:51 AM - And now Overeem vs. Fujita. There goes another 75 seconds or so. I am loving this intermission. 14.5 hours of live MMA is cool and all, but I think I could take 14.5 horus of taped Overeem KOs, too.

4:56 AM - Antonio Inoki is being wheeled to the ring wearing white robes on a copulating cross with overly dramatic music in the background. And now it's like some form of techno-samba music from the 70s. Man, I don't know. I love the spectacle, but Jeez. Staging a crucifiction, if you say so.

5:00 - Inoki is making the crowd laugh, and The Hanslator refuses to translate it, even whilst Schiavello and Kogan are begging him to translate.

5:03 AM - And now a bunch of Arab gentlemen dressed in suits with turtlenecks and gold chains are making their way to the ring, carrying swords. One of them just cracked Inoki over the head with a kendo stick. I smell an Inoki slap coming in 3.. 2.. 1.. Thank God for the Hanslator's refusal to translate a damned thing. Schiavello is clearly loving every second of this, and his enthusiasm is helping the segment.

From Robert Joyner (@robnashville on Twitter) "The turban guys were Tiger jeet singh, who was an old wrestling enemy of Inoki back in the day, young turban was tiger ali singh"

5:08 AM - Inoki's segment is done. The rest of the pro wrestlers are being introduced on the stage now. Sylvia's put on his winter weight.

5:12 AM - I have no idea if the wrestling matches are next, if the Banuelos - Fernandes match is next, if the Takaya - Inoue match is next, or what. I think they're introducing everybody who is yet to fight on the card. Yeah, that might be it. I'm ever so confused. I need to both drink and to sober up. See? Confused.

5:18 AM - To summarize this intermission. Alistair Overeem squashes, good. Inoki on the cross, bad. Inoki thanking the crowd, good. Inoki being interrupted by Tiger Jeet Singh and Tiger Ali Singh and nothing being translated by the Hanslator, bad but understandable (other than the lack of translating). I know why it's on the card, so fine. Not for me, but maybe it is for you (but it probably isn't.

Once the Inoki feces was done, they then introduced everyone who is yet to fight. Sylvia packed on his winter weight, and Fedor got a huge pop, which Schiavello was kind enough to completely scream over so as to make sure we couldn't tell for ourselves.

OK, we're back to speed now.

5:28 AM - OK, so do you remember a year ago when Aoki fouhgt a kickboxing/MMA match against that one cross-dressing dude, and after Aoki ran and ducked through the K1 round, he then got KO'd 4 seconds into the MMA round? And as a result Trigg had to wear a pink wig and lipstick the rest of the night? Well, the guy that KTFO'd Aoki is up now in the same type of fight. This year, it's against Katsunori Kikuno, the current DEEP champion. Kogan and Schiavello have a bet this year, loser wears makeup the rest of the night.

5:29 AM - Kikuno, the MMA fighter, is dominating the K-1 rules first round. He's making a much better showing of it than Aoki did last year. Kikuno's getting ragdolled. Which is a shame because he DID embarrass Aoki last year in a fit of karma. But on the other hand, Schiavello in eye shadow and lipstick? Yes, please.

5:31 AM - Kikuno got knocked down, too. We're on to the MMA round, now. If the fight goes the full distance, it's ruled a draw. It either goes to a finish, or it's a draw. And in round two, Kikuno isn't even trying to take it down.

5:34 AM - Kikuno got back mount and landed 4200 punches before the referee saved Nagashima from a ninth concussion. I mean, ninth concussion while backmounted, because that was asinine. Schiavello's going to be purdy!

5:39 AM - Back to reality, as Fernandes vs. Banuelos is up next. For what it's worth, they are blaring We Are The World in the arena, which is the song to which Kikuno made his way to the ring.

5:41 AM - This is Fernandes' fight to take, obviously.

5:46 AM - Fernandes is blitzing Banuelos. It's over less than 2 minutes in. This guy is impressive.

5:55 AM - Bibiano Fernandes blitzed the field in a total cake walk. That was the easy part. The hard part will be getting DREAM to pay him. Maybe he'd be better off getting stiffed, so he'd be able to get out of the contract and sign with the UFC. Or maybe Strikeforce could run 135, 145, and 155 only, and he could sign there in an incredible stroke of deja vu...

5:58 AM - Sylvia vs. LeBanner up next. Sylvia is 300 pounds easy. Which is sad because he was 265 for ProElite2 a month or two ago. I forget when exactly, because I am determined to purge that unholy abomination from my poor little brain. Anyhow, there's a 2% chance of JLB shooting, so I'll pay a modicum of attention to this {sarcasm}fight{/sarcasm}.

6:03 AM - JLB is extremely popular in Japan, and is easily the best fighter to never win the K-1 Grand Prix. He also has a beef with Sylvia, apparently they exchanged words with each other back when Sylvia was considered to be good at fighting against people.

6:05 AM - JLB is wearing boxing gloves. It's like Rocky in Rocky III against Thunderlips, except that was a movie and this is real. Shut up, you know what I mean.

I think JLB just shot. He dropped Sylvia with a liver kick, and he's chopping out his legs. Either JLB is shooting, or Sylvia is selling like a desperate real estate agent. Regardless, it's over. And the lines have been blurred.

6:11 AM - And now for the twenty third match, it's Kazuyuki Fujita vs. Peter Aerts. Aerts is a 4 time K1 Grand Prix champion, and is known as Mister K-1. After upsetting the monster Semmy Schilt in the semi-finals last year, he fell to Alistair Overeem in the finals, at age 73. Pretty damned impressive, if you ask me. Fujita fought in the very last Pride fight ever held.

6:18 AM - Aerts tapped out. Meh.

6:22 AM - Tag team action is next. Someone will beat someone or it'll be a draw or something and blah.

7:08 AM - Inoue vs. Takaya for Takaya's featherweight title is up next. Hell yes. Inoue is the betting favorite. Takaya losing to Robert Peralta on a Strikeforce prelim fight didn't help his standing any...

7:15 AM - Both fighters are in the ring, and the fight will begin as soon as the Japanese national anthem concludes.

7:23 AM - Takaya spent the first round looking for his range, and Inoue spent the round primarily countering. Takaya didn't land anything massive, but he was more active. Inoue started to catch Takaya's body kicks, and it appears he's trying to time Takaya's strikes. Takaya got a takedown with less than 10 seconds remaining, and he won the round. Won the round regardless of the takedown.

7:29 AM - Inoue comes out more aggressive, but Takaya's doing a good job cutting off the ring. Takaya's being forced to chase Inoue. Inoue's not throwing anything until Takaya commits, and that strategy isn't paying off so far. There have been a few nice exchanges, almost entirely punching. Takaya got a late takedown once again. Decent round. I need some more caffeine, my eyes are getting heavy.

7:36 AM - Takaya gets on top to begin the third round. It would appear Inoue's sole goal (hey that rhymes!) is to get the fight to the late rounds. Takaya's far more active and far more accurate. Inoue needs to do more than dace the the occasional leg kick if he wants to effective later on in the fight. Takaya is controlling the third round, and Inoue's going to need to finish this thing.

7:44 AM - Inoue has nothing for Takaya. Again. Nothing against the fight, but I slept through the round. Oh crap, sleeping on the job. I need Aoki and Fedor to win in 30 seconds apiece.

7:50 AM - This wasn't a Kalib Starnes performance by Inoue because he wasn't retreating as much as he was just inactive. But it was an awful performance. Until the last 15 seconds, it seemed like he wasn't even trying. Pathetic.

8:00 AM - I really wish they'd provide English language translation for the pre-fight videos, because they are so well produced. Aoki vs. Kitaoka is up next, for Aoki's lightweight title. I'm having fun and all, but Ir eally need the next two fights to last about 2 minutes combined, because I'm turning into a copulating zombie here, dude.

8:14 AM - Aoki got a triangle armbar combo about one minute in, but Kitaoka managed to squirm out, and they're back to standing in the corner. I am sooooo on fumes, man. Aoki wound up on top with a minute left, but didn't do much with it.

8:20 AM - I looked up, and Aoki's on top. Darn it all to heck, this is going to go to decision, just you watch. We're at 13 hours 48 minutes now. I need Aoki to go all armbreaky already. Or get himself disqualified or something. Maybe he can go after Kitaoka's weird lazy eye, kind of like Black Mamba went after California Mountain Snake in the second Kill Bill movie. two rounds in, Aoki won both rounds easily.

8:27 AM - For the love of all that's good and holy, finish him! And I'm speaking to both Aoki and Kitaoka. I'm not playing favourites here; I favour whichever guy will get this to end. Oh, and Aoki has Kitaoka's back, but doesn't have both hooks in quite yet. Mike Kogan is speculating that he might look for a twister. I don't see how, but whatever. I'll take a twister, absolument. Well, not only no twister, but no triangle. Kitaoka's on his feet, and the ref eventually forces Aoki to stand. Aoki landed a head kick and a nice knee in the last minute. Another round for Aoki.

8:35 AM - Aoki has Kitaoka's back and is going for a rear naked choke. You can really hear Kitaoka gurgling on the blood in the back of his throat. Groovy. Maybe he'll tap. Another RNC, or maybe it's a neck crank. Kitaoka defended, but he's still got Aoki on his back with a figure four. Kitaoka's breathing sounds like Cujo near the end. Kitaoka doesn't have any answers, but he's bound and determined to make this go to a decision. I hate you, Kitaoka. If this were a 10 point must, this round might be a 10-7, as there were four near finishes.

8:37 AM - They had a 9 hour window and are still going to run long.

8:41 AM - Decision. Just like I called.

8:45 AM - I didn't watch 26 fights, including 4 pro wrestling fights, just to turn off the TV before Fedor makes his return to Japan. Shinya aoki tried to get the crowd to chant something with him, but it went over about as well as Benson Henderson soliciting an AMEN in Toronto.

8:51 AM - There are going to be a feces ton of people who wake up this morning, go to their DVR, FF to the Fedor fight, and see that it cuts off as the bell rings because they didn't think to add time to their NINE HOUR RECORDING! Now, it's nowhere near as much of a debacle as the XBox issues that the UFC had on Friday night, but damn. I would be more mad if I didn't cover this and woke up to find out I didn't have the Fedor fight recorded than I am at myself for watching 14.5 hours straight.

Lest we forget, there was a 45 minute intermission at the 2:15 mark of this show. I'll stop whining now, because Lenne Hardt is introducing Fedor Emelianemko's walk to the ring for the first time in years.

8:57 AM - Ishii looks terrified. I'm sure he's not actually, but he looks like he is.

8:59 AM - Fedor's picking him apart. Only a matter of time. NO decision here. Yep. One punch knockout. The man is still dangerous, but his relevance is non-existent until (unless) he gets into the UFC. He needs Uncle Dana much more than Uncle Dana needs him.

And in a nice turn of fate, the entire fight got in under the nine hour recording window.

Here's my summary. I'm tired, good night.

Follow Rich Hansen on Twitter @MMATorchRich