UFC's The Ultimate Fighter 5
Episode 3
April 19, 2007
Aired on Spike TV (taped Jan/Feb 2007)

-The show opens with a recap of last week's Manny Gamburyan vs. Noah Thomas fight. Marlon Sims said the fight went the way he thought it would. Gamburyan hit Thomas with a big punch and worked on the ground until he found a kimura. Thomas really wasn’t able to get in any offense. Cole Miller felt bad for Thomas.

UFC President Dana White says Team Pulver now holds two wins in a row over Team Penn and this drives BJ Penn “f---ing nuts.”

BJ Penn says if Team Pulver finds out Team Penn member Gabe Ruediger is 20 pounds overweight, they might be picking him to fight next, since Ruediger’s weight issue makes him “weak” and Team Pulver preys on the weak. Penn says he’s going to keep his eye on Ruediger’s weight.

Gabe Ruediger says everyone is on him because of his weight. Since Team Pulver will be picking the fight tomorrow, Ruediger is considering getting a colonic. Ruediger approaches Penn and asks if he will get permission from Dana White for him to get a colonic. Penn gives Ruediger a puzzled look, and asks if that is a medical procedure. Ruediger explains. To the cameras, Ruediger says a colonic is “an effective way of losing waist.” He says you can lose 3-7 pounds by doing it.

B.J. Penn approaches Dana White, and without eye contact, says “Gabe wants to know if you can hook him up with a colonic or something.” Ruediger tells White that he had one in Thailand (!) and it made him feel better and lose weight easier. I dunno. This is all very strange. To the cameras, Ruediger says “you have to make sacrifices” and gives an uncomfortable laugh.

-We go to the Ultimate Fighter House. Cole Miller gives the homemade UFC belt over to Manny Gamburyan. Gamburyan talks about how he feels complete now after securing his first victory in the UFC.

Nick Diaz needs to fight. The living conditions are slowly driving him insane. He said he was going to call out Joe Lauzon because the two match up well and he respects Lauzon. Diaz said the more he thought about it, though, with Rob Emerson being the one who was “talking shit on the wall to me, and f---ing laughing about it.” Diaz, of course, is referring to last week’s episode where Emerson wrote “Team Pulver Suck It” on a wall. While the writing may not have been directed at Diaz, as Emerson says, to say Diaz has taken it personal would be an understatement. Diaz says Emerson thinks he’s tough, so he’s ready to fight him.

-We go to the Training Session for Team Penn. Penn calls out Gabe Ruediger. Penn says a colonic shouldn’t be as important as a training session, which Ruediger will have to miss for the procedure. Assistant Coach Tony DeSouza joins the fray, saying it seems like Ruediger is worried more about having things put up his butt than he is about training. Ruediger gives DeSouza a blank stare and politely disagrees.

-We go to the Training Session for Team Pulver. Corey Hill says there is a “Good Corey” and a “Bad Corey” and the two sometimes conflict with each other. Hill is shown, with a mouthpiece in, screaming and flailing himself about. Nate Diaz says he can’t stop laughing when Hill goes into one of his fits. Pulver eggs Hill on, saying “they” don’t know what Hill has sacrificed. Diaz says Hill might act like a maniac, but he also trains harder than everyone else. To the cameras, Hill says he would like to fight Gabe Ruediger. Jens Pulver is brining in a mystery guest coach.

[Commercial Break]

-We come back to the Training Session for Team Pulver. The mystery guest coach is revealed to be -- Jeremy Horn. Nate Diaz says he and his brother Nick have been watching Horn since they were kids. To the cameras, Corey Hill says he didn’t know who Horn was. Hill says unlike a lot of the other fighters, he has a wife and two kids, so he doesn’t have cable. Hill says he hasn’t seen much UFC, but he hopes to get to know who all the UFC fighters are.

Jeremy Horn has taken an instant liking to Corey Hill. Horn says Hill is raw and he could be molded into a great fighter. Hill is shown implementing Horn’s advice. Horn asks Jens Pulver where Hill trained before TUF 5. Pulver doesn’t know, so he asks Hill. Hill says he doesn’t have a gym where he lives in Colorado Springs. Horn tells Hill that he trains in Salt Lake City, so Hill should join him down there after TUF 5. Horn wants to make Hill a superstar.

-Pseudo-porn music plays as Gabe Ruediger arrives at the colonic clinic aptly named Healing Waters. A rectal tube is shown in close-up. A super-enthusiast Colleen greets Ruediger and shows him to his torture chamber, err, room. Colleen lubes up a rectal probe and uses her pinky and fist to demonstrate to Ruediger how to insert the thing into his rectum. Ruediger is shown making a gopher face while carrying out the fine lady’s advice. Thankfully, this isn't on one of those Discovery channels, so we don't get a procedural close-up. Colleen tells Ruediger that she’s going to turn on the machine and when he feels water up his ass, he should push out like he’s having a bowel movement or farting. Colleen is shown working Ruediger’s midsection to push out the gas bubbles. Colleen seriously loves her job, she even says so. I wouldn’t have expected a woman who gives colonics for a living to be quite this giddy. All kinds of awful noises are heard as Colleen praises Ruediger for his “good job.” Is this a joke? Colleen says she is looking forward to a mudslide. Seriously, WTF? She says if Ruediger gives he a mudslide, then he has a “good colon.”

Not sure if this lady was acting for the cameras or not, but if you absolutely need a colonic and you're in Vegas, I'd seriously recommend seeing this lady. I can't imagine there'd be anyone happier to clean your colon than Colleen. Ruediger is shown leaving Healing Waters with a pained look on his face. His one-word response to the camera is "f---." At least Colleen had a good time. I know I certainly didn’t writing about this.

-We go to the Training Session for Team Penn. Gray Maynard says Gabe Ruediger missed the morning practice for his colonic. Maynard says he would never miss practice for such a thing. Maynard says he’s been cutting weight his entire career. He says you do it through hard work and sweat, and not by inserting things up one’s rump. Maynard says Ruediger took the easy way out, and he thinks Ruediger only did it to gain attention. Gabe Ruediger says he would get another colonic, because he was told the real effects don't kick in until the second one.

-At the Ultimate Fighter House, Nate Diaz is getting tired of the fighters who run around the house in thongs acting gay. Diaz says he doesn’t have a problem with gay people, but these guys are acting queer and they're not even gay. Diaz says they are making the whole group look bad. Several of the fighters, including Rob Emerson, are shown wearing thongs, capes and hoods, running around causing trouble.

-We go to the Fight Announcement with Dana White. White congratulates Manny Gamburyan on his victory. Gamburyan has advanced to the quarterfinals with Cole Miller. White asks Jens Pulver who is fighting next.

[Commercial Break]

-Back at the Fight Announcement. Nate Diaz steps forward and walks over and points at Rob Emerson. Emerson steps forward and the two have an intense staredown. Dana White says this is a good indication of how good a fight is going to be. White declares, “I love this f---ing season.” Jens Pulver smiles and nods his head in agreement.

Rob Emerson says he is a veteran and Diaz is a kid. Emerson feels Diaz is posturing because he is nervous. Diaz says Emerson is the one who thinks he’s hardier, so he wants to find out. Emerson is not phased by Diaz. Dana White says he is looking forward to seeing Nate Diaz fight. White gives some history on Nick Diaz and says the Diaz brothers “are angry at everyone.” Nick Diaz is shown knocking Robbie Lawler out cold.

-At the Ultimate Fighter House, Nate Diaz has followed the trend and begun writing all over the walls. Instead of writing derogatory remarks about Team Penn, Diaz has taken to writing “209” everywhere. 209 is the area code for Stockton, CA, where Diaz lives and trains. Diaz says fighting is the best job in the world.

Rob Emerson is from Orange County, CA. Emerson likes to “train hard and party harder.” Emerson says fighting is the only thing he’s ever been passionate about.

-We go to the Official Weigh-In. Rob Emerson weighs in at 156. Nate Diaz weighs in at 156, too. Dana White says Emerson has the better stand-up, but Diaz is better on the ground.

[Commercial Break]

-We go to the Training Session for Team Penn. Rob Emerson is shown working on his striking. Emerson says he’s dealt with punk kids on the street before like Nate Diaz who thought they were tough. Emerson says he’s been hit with bottles and skateboards.

-We go to the Training Session for Team Pulver. Nate Diaz said he could feel that none of his team members wanted to fight Rob Emerson. He said this made him want to fight Emerson more.

[Commercial Break]

-We go to the third TUF 5 Preliminary Fight.

3 - NATE DIAZ vs. ROB EMERSON

ROUND ONE: No glove touch to start this one. The fighters start to feel each other out, with Rob Emerson backing up. Nate Diaz throws a few strikes that miss their mark. The fighters clinch. They exchange knees in close. The fighters break. Diaz holds onto Emerson’s hand a throws a front kick. The fighters clinch again. Diaz tries for a standing kimura. Emerson twists out. Emerson lands a low kick. Diaz pushes Emerson up against the cage again and takes a knee. Diaz delivers more knees in close. Once again, the fighters disengage. Diaz grabs Emerson around the waist and tries for a throw, but ends up falling to the ground himself. Diaz is on the ground, with Emerson standing over him. Diaz is actually still moving forward, though, scooting along and throwing up kicks. Diaz stands back up. Diaz tags Emerson with a straight left. Emerson clinches Diaz and takes some more knees to the midsection. Diaz tries for a trip takedown, but Emerson defends well. The fighters break. Emerson tries a high kick, that Diaz swats away. The fighters clinch up against the fence again. Diaz lands some punches. Emerson flurries to escape. Again, Diaz tries for a trip takedown unsuccessfully. Diaz is digging deep for a takedown, but Emerson has none of it and the round ends. Really close round that entirely consisted of stand-up action. I’d probably give a slight edge to Diaz.

[Commercial Break]

ROUND TWO: Nate Diaz throws a wayward front kick to open the round. Rob Emerson lands a middle kick. The fighters are clinched up against the fence. They exchange inside strikes. Both are working for positioning. Diaz finally scores a takedown, after grabbing a single leg and sweeping Emerson hard to the mat. Emerson manages to get back to his feet, but gets slammed back to the mat again. Diaz is unloading on Emerson on the ground. Diaz is in the half guard, and Emerson is out of his element. Diaz continues to punch away at Emerson’s head. Emerson is bleeding. Diaz is working hard. Diaz stands up and kicks Emerson’s butt, literally. Diaz has the mount. He rains down strikes to Emerson’s face and Emerson flips over. Diaz now has his back. Diaz’s legs are locked around Emerson’s waist. Emerson is working, but is getting punched in the side of his head. Diaz gets Emerson’s arm. Diaz twists and turns Emerson’s arms all kinds of ways. Emerson is hanging in there. Diaz rolls Emerson over and has a straight armbar, but the arm is not fully locked in. Emerson is doing a great job avoiding a submission here, but Diaz is just overwhelming him. Diaz now has the mount again. Emerson is covering up. Emerson turns to his stomach. There’s less than thirty seconds left, but Emerson is in a real bad way here. Diaz locks in a rear naked choke and Emerson taps out with 15 seconds left in the fight. Wow.

FINISH: Nick Diaz won by Submission at 4:45 of Round 2.

STAR RATING: (***+) Great fight. One of the best in the history of TUF, especially considering this was a preliminary match. The first round was all stand-up. Rob Emerson seemed to be holding back a bit, which probably cost him the fight. Nate Diaz has an awkward, yet effective, style. Credit to Emerson for avoiding takedowns for the entire first round. The second round complimented the first round well, as it was all groundwork. In particular, towards the end of the round, there was an exceptional sequence where Diaz transitioned through various submission attempts, while Emerson scrambled to avoid. In the end, Emerson was just too fatigued from the assault and finally accepted a rear naked choke. I haven't been the biggest fan of Rob Emerson based on his personality, but major props go to him for this fight. He fought until the very end and went out like a warrior.

RAMIFICATIONS: Nate Diaz advances to the quarterfinals with Manny Gamburyan and Cole Miller. Rob Emerson will certainly fight again in the UFC. I'd be more than happy to sit through a half hour of Gabe Ruediger's colonic woes every week to get a fight like this every show. An amazing match that's solidified TUF 5 as must-see TV.

Questions, comments, concerns and the like for Randy Rowles can be e-mailed to mmatorch_predictions@yahoo.com.