It’s Tuesday and you know what that means. Couch. Beer. Tube. Bodog.

This intro is still the absolutely lamest thing I have ever seen. I watch it again and again expecting to glean something from it, but to no avail. For those of you unfamiliar with this, it’s a bunch of people standing in the forest surrounded by gun toting guards. A tank drives up. Nobody knows what’s going on and out jumps Bodog founder, Calvin Ayre, shouting, “Welcome to Russia”. I don’t get it. Do I need more beer? Hmmm…

Bodog has given us a treat tonight. A middleweight treat featuring Kyacey Uscola (11-7, 10 TKO) vs. Joseph Baize (6-4, 6 sub). Uscola seems like a cuddly sort. “I’m the kind of guy that will push a girl out of the way to win a volleyball match”, he chortles. Charming. On the other hand, you have Baize who has “Nice Guy” written on his sweatshirt. I’m not making that up. He has the physique of the Stay Puft Marshmallow Man, but allegedly, is a master of leglocks. Uscola has no shortage of confidence, saying “It’ll be a cold day in Hell if he catches me in a leg lock or heel hook”. Should be an interesting fight.

1 – KYACEY USCOLA vs. JOSEPH BAIZE

ROUND 1 – Baize comes out shooting and Uscola fends him off easily. My goodness, Baize is a jiggly sort, isn’t he? This is not going to go well. Uscola lands some kicks from the top and they get stood up by the ref. Baize has no place on the feet with Uscola. It’s just that simple. Uscola pounds away with fists and some kicks. Baize continues to shoot, get rebuffed and lay on his back, hoping Uscola will jump into his guard. Uscola is having none of it and the ref isn’t either. Uscola lands a crackling left head kick that does some serious mandibular damage. Baize goes down and this time, Uscola follows him. Uscola begins feeding Baize right hands like they’re French fries (something Baize’s body shape suggests he’s familiar with) and the ref steps in stop the carnage.

FINISH – Kyacey Uscola by TKO at 2:16 of round 1

STAR RATING – (*) Baize did a lot of flopping on the canvas and it was clear this was a mismatch. Uscola, at least did us the favor of not stalling and taking his time. There were a few good strikes, but the inequity in competition drags this down.

Next up, Bill Mahood (15-5-1, 14 TKO, 1 sub) vs. Khalil Ibrahim (6-0)

You may remember Mahood from one of MMA’s more ignominious moments. Back in 2005, Mahood had just been submitted via rear naked choke by Forrest Griffin. In his moment of victory, Griffin celebrated by assuming a pose that most married couples would recognize and began “spooning” a still dazed Mahood. In his defense, Mahood is a very good striker, although he hasn’t done well leading up to this going 2-3 in his last five fights, including two losses to Patrick Cote (who hasn’t looked very impressive recently, either). Ibrahim is a bit of a mystery. Bodog claims that he is 6-0, but I can’t seem to dig much up on him. Ibrahim himself says this is his first fight in MMA. It looks like this may be a pretty good fight. Let’s see what happens. Before we get to this though, we have Mahood demonstrating the “banana split” submission with two shapely female models. Depending on your point of view, this is either exploitative, provocative or informational. Perhaps, you’re not a test taker. If not, just keep moving along.

2 – BILL MAHOOD vs. KHALIL IBRAHIM

ROUND 1 – Ibrahim is a pretty big dude. Mahood still looks like a sailor on shore leave. The bell rings and Ibrahim comes out aggressively. Ibrahim lands a right hand and Mahood doesn’t like it. They go into a Greco-Roman clinch and Ibrahim shoves Mahood to the ropes, and nearly over them. The two fighters reverse each other in the clinch from corner to corner nearly going over the ropes again. You would think a multi-billionaire could afford a ring that two light heavyweights could lean on, but I digress. Anyway, somehow Mahood takes Ibrahim down and lands in his guard. Mahood postures up and begins trying to get some shots in. He manages a double hammerfist to Ibrahim’s belly and then starts ripping away in to Ibrahim’s left flank with hard right hands. Then, surprisingly, Ibrahim verbally taps. He explains in the post-fight interview that he had a kidney stone on that side previously and the body shots reawakened that injury. Uh-huh. In any case, Mahood wins and makes the PPV.

FINISH – Bill Mahood by TKO at 3:19 of round 1

STAR RATING – (*+) Meh. Not a whole lot here. You might see a better fight at your local pub this weekend.

And now before we get to the next fight, it’s time for a little more soft core porn, er, um, that is, informational programming. Specifically, it’s time to know your Bodog Fight Girls. Nothing like filler, huh kids?

And now, our third fight of the evening.

Steve Steinbeiss (7-0) vs. Jeff Ford (7-2)

Ford is listed as 2-1 on Sherdog , but it shows his last fight being in September of 2005. He is listed as being a three-time Muay Thai champion as well as a personal trainer at the VH1 Celebrity Fit Club. Heady stuff. As for Steinbeiss, he fights out of Arizona and seems to be a relative newcomer to big-time MMA. This should be an intriguing matchup. With about 15 minutes left in the show, this looks like an early ending too. Let's see what happens.

3 – STEVE STEINBEISS vs. JEFF FORD

ROUND 1 – Steinbeiss throws some leg kicks and Ford grabs one to land a decent right hand. Steinbeiss answers back with a nice left head kick. Ford gets inside and lands a couple of more rights. The fighters separate and circle each other. This is shaping out to be Steinbeiss’ kicks against Ford’s strikes. Steinbeiss bangs away some more with his feet and it looks like it hurts. Ouch. He’s got that pop on his kicks like Cro Cop does (a quick note before all of you Cro Cop lovers deluge my email address, I am NOT saying he’s as good as Cro Cop, I’m just trying to produce a familiar sense of what it’s like. So, close down that email, don’t click send, step away from the mouse. Thank you. Back to the column). Ford isn’t backing away much and is still throwing punches. Still though, his left chest is getting mighty red, not unlike Rich Franklin in his epic battle with Anderson Silva. Similarly, Ford changes gears and gets a takedown on Steinbeiss. It does look like Ford’s trying to get a break here. While in Steinbeiss’ guard, Ford leans back and goes for a heel hook. He misses and, all of a sudden, it’s Steinbeiss on top and his right hand has an unobstructed view of Ford’s face. Steinbeiss utilizes this pathway repeatedly and the referee stops the fight. Ford, in what can only be described as temporary insanity, argues the decision.

FINISH – Steve Steinbeiss by TKO at 3:30 of round 1.

STAR RATING – (***) This had a lot of nice action and good striking. I was impressed by Steinbeiss. Granted, Ford is not exactly top-notch MMA material, but Steinbeiss looks like he could be a player. A solid three star match.

So, to wrap up, we had just over nine minutes of fighting in this hour. While that isn’t quite up to the UFC’s standards, it’s not promising. And, with UFC and Pride throwing out PPVs one week before the Fedor-Lindland battle, Bodog needs to get as many fights on the tube as possible. There’s still room to improve.

So, time to wash out the cans and pry my butt off the couch. Next week, a look at the PPV card and a few thoughts about the players.

For Notes from the Newb, I’m Jerry Cattelane, mmatorch.com’s first Prediction Champion.

To email me, Jerry Cattelane, send to drscruf@hughes.net.